A well-known hotel in Torquay receives a surprise inspection from Hotel Inspector Justice Saunders
Inspector Saunders: Good day, are you Mr Andy Fawlty, the owner of this hotel.
ANDY FAWLTY: Maybe, who’s asking?
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: I am Hotel Inspector Justice Saunders; I’m here to inspect the hotel and if you are honest with me I’m sure this will all be very easy. So, Mr Fawlty would you say you run a tight ship.
ANDY FAWLTY: This is a hotel, not a ship, now who’s the one not being honest.
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Please don’t avoid my questions. Do you keep an eye on the goings-on in this hotel.
ANDY FAWLTY: Yes, of course, nothing happens under this roof that I don’t know about.
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Even in the hotel rooms?
ANDY FAWLTY: Well, no obviously not there; that’s not my business, but everything else, I know; I see all!
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Well, did you know that your employee Polly Mulcaire has been listening at the doors of hotel guests?
ANDY FAWLTY: No, I did not know that. And if I did not know that, and I know everything that happens in the hotel then it can’t have happened!
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Well Polly Mulcaire has admitted it to us, following a tip off from a guest; one Mr Grant.
ANDY FAWLTY: Right, I’ll kill her where is she?!
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: So you didn’t know about this?
ANDY FAWLTY: No obviously not, listening in to the guests is disgusting! What is it to do with us.
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Polly Mulcaire said that you did know about it, and sanctioned it. She said that Mr Grant had snuck a female guest in to his room.
ANDY FAWLTY: He had, the sneaky bugger, and we have a right to know about that!
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: And Polly Mulcaire said that you found this out by listening at the door.
ANDY FAWLTY: Of course not, we found out but not like that!
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Did you see them go up to the room?
ANDY FAWLTY: Well, no.
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Then if you didn’t listen at the door, how did you find out? Peering through the window perhaps? It would be impossible to know otherwise!
ANDY FAWLTY: We didn’t listen at doors, we just found out, I can’t remember how.
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Perhaps your employee Manuel Brooks knows, here he comes now. Ah, Manuel…
MANUEL BROOKS I know nuh-thing!
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: I haven’t asked anything yet.
MANUEL BROOKS: I know nuh-thing!
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Have you been told to say that?
MANUEL BROOKS: I know nuh-thing!
ANDY FAWLTY: Looks, here comes one of our regular guests, Major Murdoch, he can vouch for my honesty and not knowing anything. He works in the hotel business himself.
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Yes I need to speak to you Major, I have been told that you are paying Manuel Brooks still even though she doesn’t work for you anymore. Why would you do that?
MAJOR MURDOCH: Paying him you say? Well, money is not my thing, I don’t know what happens to it; it is sort of here and then sort of there sometimes. Who knows! Anyhow, Fawlty is everything ready for our dinner party with Torquay Counsellor Cameron this evening?
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: You’re having a party with Cllr Cameron?
ANDY FAWLTY: Yes he wanted to show his support for the hotel inspection.
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: But this was a surprise hotel inspection!
ANDY FAWLTY: Well, yes of course. It will now be to show support, it wasn’t before. I mean, if we had been accused of breaking the law and treating guests with no dignity, would he be more likely to show support for us or the guests who have been treated so badly?
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: How do you know Cllr Cameron isn’t offering support to the hotel guests?
ANDY FAWLTY: I don’t; I’m just saying if these things did happen, which they didn’t, then hypothetically he would, but it hasn’t so he didn’t. But we’re innocent, so he supports our innocence.
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: But Polly Mulcaire has shown that you’re not innocent.
ANDY FAWLTY: I’ve said, I don’t know anything about that, and I know everything that happens in the hotel, except for the things that I shouldn’t know about, and I don’t know that so it either didn’t happen or I shouldn’t have known it happened therefore it may have happened but I wouldn’t have known about it, ipso facto: me, innocent!
INSPECTOR SAUNDERS: Do you ever give a straight answer?
ANDY FAWLTY: Maybe, who’s asking!
P.S. Sorry it’s over 500 words; I make one rule for this blog and ruddy break it! Please comment to let me know what you think!