Surprisingly real review of FIFA 15, despite being satire

nick channon

A: “Hello, welcome to a discussion of the soon to be released FIFA 2015, with Nick Channon, senior game developer, to talk me through the new features. You describe this game as the most real to life football experience yet, what new features enable this for you?”

B: “We listen to our fans and try to act on their feedback, and people think that the little things are really important so we brought in a range of things to capture the tiny barely discernible nuances of the game. We tried to capture the growth of the player’s hair and fingernails throughout the 90 minutes, the expression when the player and referee don’t speak the same language and don’t understand each other, pupil dilation during a hard challenge.”

A: “Fascinating.”

B: “One of the main things we worked on was sweat. Perspiration is now related to individual sweat glands and our new sweat-tech-system combines with our chaos theory physics allowing us to capture the real life movement of each bead of sweat from sweat glad to the pitch. We just felt it was the right time to bring this in. We’ve also brought in signature moves; the Ronaldo-dive the Suarez-bite and Rooney’s swear-at-the-camera-celebration. We brought in classic teams too, so you can have the Robbie Fowler-cocaine-snort-celebration and Paul Gascoigne’s dentist-chair celebration too. This just allows us to really immerse you in to the lives and minds of the footballers.

New celebrations like the Robbie Fowler snorting cocaine celebration brings you even closer to the action.

New celebrations like the Robbie Fowler snorting cocaine celebration brings you even closer to the action.

A: “Tell me about some of the new game modes”

B: “Total career football mode allows you to play as an individual player and you need to manage off the pitch as well as on the pitch. The on pitch system has been tweaked but the off pitch play is a huge new area that we are very proud of. If you get subbed off you can go enjoy a bath, sleep with a colleague’s wife in the changing rooms, shoot with an air rifle at staff, and take selfies to upload to twitter. Outside of the games you get to try fiddle your taxes, have affairs without your wife finding out, and gamble millions and then take out super-injunctions if these things are found out.”

A: “Can you be prosecuted for fiddling taxes?”

B: “When do you ever see a footballer prosecuted for tax avoidance? Like we say, we want to make the game as real as possible. In fact you can earn game trophies for breaking the same laws that real footballers have done without themselves being prosecuted.”

A: “And finally, you’re bringing back world cup mode”

B: “We tried to make World Cup mode a real immersive experience. It combines with career mode and allows you to continue to earn millions, through shrewd game bonus negotiations, while being able to also see the people outside, in the favelas, starve. You can visit the favelas and enjoy the game graphics that capture the individual ribs of the starving children- it looks so real you won’t be able to tell the difference from real starving children; the selfies you can take in the favelas look amazing and we are very proud of the graphics we’ve created! If you’re Balotelli in career mode, you can drive round the favelas throwing money out of your car.”

A: “This is clearly the most real to life experience football games have to offer. Not only does it capture the concept that footballers think that they’re better than other people and the rules don’t apply to them, but it is backed up by the true to life lack of ramifications of their immoral and illegal actions!”

All the children in the favellas want is football; oh and food, and a fair and equitable society...

All the children in the favellas want is football; oh and food, and a fair and equitable society…

Sources

To what extent is this satirical; surprisingly not hugely check out the level of pointless detail that they are choosing to go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onvcN0FXk2c

Balotelli’s oddest actions off the pitch: https://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/blogs/the-rundown/top-10-mario-balotelli-mad-cap-moments-155805356.html

Ashely Cole escapes prosecution for shooting placement student: http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/ashley-cole-escapes-prosecution-for-shooting-176475

Jack Warner escapes prosecution over bribery claims: http://www.theguardian.com/football/2012/may/29/jack-warner-escape-prosecution-fifa

Reality of Favela’s by one of my favourite journalists Mark Steel: http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/fifa-wasnt-going-to-let-favelas-ruin-a-wonderful-world-cup–it-just-bulldozed-them-instead-9582749.html

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