David Cameron: Thank you for joining me Home Secretary
Home Secretary: Well yes, it sounded pretty urgent on the phone!
Cameron: It is, we have located a new terrorist threat.
Home Sec: Crikey, right, what’s going on.
Cameron: We’ve just found a new video on YouTube.
Home Sec: Right, I mean is that the first we’ve heard of them.
Cameron: MI6 have been carrying out surveillance on them for a while now; we subscribed to them on YouTube, followed them on Twitter, and we read their WordPress blog. It’s all been pretty low level stuff so far; threats, videos of firearms practice, a blog itemising the armoury; they have a huge arsenal.
Home Sec: How did they amass such a thing?
Cameron: Mainly the Americans, a bit us; we thought arming these guys would make other terrorist threats less terrorist-y but it’s back-fired in a big way.
Home Sec: Like last time?
Cameron: A little like last time, yes. But the point is, their latest YouTube video shows them killing a British citizen, so its stepped up a level, it’s personal.
Home Sec: So you’re going to suggest airstrikes; am I right?
Cameron: How did you know?
Home Sec: Because you only ever suggest airstrikes. Right, well you never back down; you’re like a dog with a bone once you’ve seen these YouTube clips. You can launch airstrikes on this new target. Where are they based?
Cameron: Ermm… Paris
Home Sec: PARIS?! As in the capital of France??
Cameron: Yes, but we have located their exact position, as they use Geo-Location on Facebook. Their base is just next to the Louvre, so we can be precise! I’ve spoken to the Americans, and there all for tagging along for this!
Home Sec: But you can’t just start blowing up Paris!
Cameron: But we blow up Syria, and Iraq; why is this different?
Home Sec: Well I mean it’s closer to home for one!
Cameron: That’s ideal, we’ll save tonnes on a fuel!
Home Sec: But haven’t you tried negotiation?
Cameron: This isn’t a language they understand!
Home Sec: No, it’s probably French; we have translators you know.
Cameron: No, I’ve made up my mind, I’m afraid it has to be airstrikes!
Home Sec: But what about collateral damage?
Cameron: That’s never been a problem before!
Home Sec: Well yes, but when you start blowing up David and Christine from Clacton-on-Sea while they’re taking holiday snaps of the Mona Lisa, it’s a little bit different!
Cameron: I really can’t see the difference myself Home Secretary; these are the casualties of war!
Home Sec: But David and Christine don’ want to be a casualty of war.
Cameron: Well, they shouldn’t be stood in a war zone! Look, airstrikes are the only thing that works.
Home Sec: Alright, show me one airstrike that hasn’t provoked a violent response?
Cameron: ermm… Nagasaki; and Hiroshima; there’s two!
Home Sec: Nagasaki! Nagasaki is your defence for airstrikes?! I tell you what, you’re the bleedin’ terrorist!
Cameron: I think you’ll find my title is Prime Minister of the United Kingdom!