A typical Primary School in the year 2024

Teacher: Good morning customers and welcome to another lesson of basic corporate maths, sponsored by The Generic Cola Company. Last time we spent our lesson looking at the statistical relationship between how much money your parents invested in Generic Cola’s stock market shares and your end of year grade. This week we will be focussing on the earnings and outgoings of your households. So, Timmy your parents earn 75,000 UK Dollars is that right?
Timmy: Yes sir.
Teacher: And what percentile of earnings does that put them in?
Timmy: The 60th percentile sir.
Teacher: Excellent Timmy, and if you listen in lessons you will surely improve on that.
Timmy: I hope so sir.
Teacher: Of course you do, Timmy. Now, if Timmy’s parents are earning UK$75,000 what percentage of their earnings are going towards basic tier tuition fees?
Tammy: 63% Sir?
Teacher: Very well done, Tammy. Tommy! Stop talking in class or I will fine you, your parents already owe £30 this week! OK, so before moving on, Tilly you can leave the class to go and receive your personal one to one teaching and massage- do say thank you to your parents once again, the money that they have donated to this school is highly commendable and something that we should all aspire to. Your parents have shown through the money that they clearly love you very much. On with the lesson customers! There are a number of jobs people can do whereby they will not be able to send their children to school. If a bin man is earning UK$7000 a year how would you express as a percentage the increase in wages needed for this person to be able to feed themselves?
Tully: 450%?
Teacher: Close but too low, it’s actually 475%. Now, an average ‘Generic cola Premier League’ striker, what percentage of their wage do they have to pay in order to buy the right to have a child?
Tinny: 0.000000000000000000000000001%
Teacher: Excellent, and the same question for a paramedic
Tally: 100000000000000000000%
Teacher: Perfect, and what would a paramedic earn if the ambulance service was privatised?
Tommy: Errr, More money, which is good.
Teacher: Partial credit, Tommy! Yes, a privatised service would benefit the income of paramedics, meaning that they could then afford to have children and send them to school, putting more money in to schools so we can provide a better education, which means…
ALL: Richer, better kids!
Teacher: Exactly customers! And this will stop you…
ALL: Being poor and evil!
Teacher: Wonderful customers, well done. Well that’s the end of today’s lesson and I hope you are looking forward to next week lessons; 1+1= more money which is good!


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