How might the story of Jesus sound under a UKIP government? A televised speech from Nigel Farage

“We at UKIP are pleased to be able to announce that the extremist fugitive known as Jesus Christ has been arrested.

As I’m sure all you good, beautiful, working people of Britain know, Jesus was an immigrant; an immigrant to planet earth; stowing away in Mary’s womb to illegally come to live in our pleasant and green pastures, where he was not wanted.

He came and took a traders job, of carpentry, that could have gone to a non-immigrant; he came without a working Visa, using a flimsy cover story of going to work for his father, Joseph, while also claiming an immaculate conception- it’s a story which didn’t add up and we were quick to spot this during intensive interrogation.

He came and quickly started preaching his new religion to a planet that didn’t have his religion. UKIP were quick to act and started surveillance on him when we realised that this Jesus was a religious zealot, preaching religious extremism. We heard stories of delusions of grandeur; he claimed to be able to heal the sick which, although nonsense in itself, we saw as an attempt to steal more work from good, honest NHS workers, who may not all be as British as we like but that’s something you know that we at UKIP are working on. He was heard to be giving directions on how to fish in our own North Sea, telling fishermen where they should be casting their nets. And it was actions like this that led to people following him; giving up their work to take up a life of crime with said individual.

It was at this time we knew we had the evidence to bring a criminal case against this self-proclaimed son of God.

The authorities were able to apprehend him following a tip-off from a good, British, hard-working man called Judas. We apprehended Jesus and have been able to deal with him as our law courts see fit.

Some say that UKIP have been barbaric and out of date in bringing back crucifixion but you see characters like this and you can understand why we have and it helps us have a system that works for the hard-working non-immigrant people of the UK. He has been crucified and his body stored in a cave, in-line with new UKIP legislation.
We want to send a message to all out there; stay out of our country and if you don’t you too may face crucifix too, Farage is the only messiah! Thank you”

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