John Lewis today have published their sales for the five weeks to 27 December 2014, stating that their total sales were £777m, up 5.8 per cent compared with last year.
“This is an absolute disaster”, said made-up John Lewis CEO Robin Britten, “we’ve just got more money than we know what to do with and where to put it”. “People have been so impressed with seeing a penguin in our adverts that they have been literally throwing money at us; some people without even buying anything!”
Videos have been emerging on YouTube and social media outlets showing that at the end of shifts staff have been struggling to find where to put all the money they’ve taken that day. Staff can be seen cramming money in to stylish yet contemporary wardrobes; one worker can be seen throwing bank notes at a gorgeous mahogany chest of drawers, seemingly not even needing to care whether any go in as he will inevitably be able to fill it with whatever does hit.
The problem for John Lewis has been compounded by the distressingly huge sales of Black Friday week £179million. On Black Friday John Lewis sold a tablet every second which to give perspective is greater than the average summers day sales of Ecstasy, MDMA and ketamine combined in all the dance clubs in Ibiza!
News has emerged that the Board of directors for John Lewis has called an emergency meeting to figure out what to do with the excesses of money that they have made. A number of ideas were put forward:
– Massively increase charity donations
– Put money in to local communities
– Pay cleaning staff the living wage, and make them entitled to the same end of year bonuses the directors and other John Lewis staff are entitles to.
These ideas were shot down and all responsible directors were fired with immediate effect and huge bonuses for early contract termination, which has thus far been identified as the best way to rid the company of the excess of cash!
Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne said “It’s great to see small, local businesses thriving, just as we pledged to help them do. No-one wants to see large faceless corporations capitalising all of the commercial markets so I praise John for being able to show the business acumen to break free from the crowd.”
“We are so keen to continue to help these small, struggling companies” Osborne continued “that we are going to offer tax breaks for companies that say that they are ’employee-owned’ despite for all intents and purposes clearly not being employee-owned. Yes, we pledge £50 million pounds worth of tax breaks for these businesses which is great news for people like Mr John Lewis, though probably bad news for you as we need take that money out of the budget from somewhere.” Some have criticised Mr Osborne for exacerbating John Lewis’s problem of having too much money. Other people, mainly men with brief cases and suits rubbing their hands in a kind of cat-that-got-the-creak kind of way, have praised George Osborne for allowing them to buy a second jacuzzi.
More footage is being released each day of money being stashed in high-quality but reasonably priced suit cases, and under genuine velvet chaise-longs, and as the insert for contemporary and well-made cushion covers, and in to beautifully, gorgeous, perfec….
The end of this article is missing as the author has run to John Lewis to purchase a chique, desirable soft leather sofa which is currently 1% off in the January sales.
All pics bar featured image provided by Twitter’s @Rowland72James – Do follow!
Some of the above article is actually true, though it is difficult to tell which bits, here’s some real news to help you:
For the five weeks to 27 December 2014, total sales were £777m, up 5.8 per cent compared with last year- http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/business/business-news/retail-giant-john-lewis-celebrate-8374044
John Lewis breaks its all-time sales record in Black Friday week- http://www.theguardian.com/business/2014/dec/02/john-lewis-breaks-all-time-sales-records-black-friday-week
Treasury keen to boost John Lewis-style ownership-
Sign a petition asking for John Lewis to pay its cleaning staff the living wage: