By Matt Bernard
Congratulations on your new purchase of Lego: British Taxation Edition. This set provides fantastic potential to construct a crowd funded existence far greater than the sum of its parts. A place where all Lego Britains are accommodated and can thrive knowing that any achievements made during play will benefit all in Lego Britain – remember those Legomen are anything but selfish!
To get started, first you’re going to need some Lego bricks – it doesn’t matter how you get them, but in order to maintain your stash we suggest you avoid declaring them to the Legoland Revenue* wherever possible. That way you can swap them for those differently coloured Legoman legs you’ve been eyeing up, or perhaps shinier hair.
If you have a job in Lego Britain (building houses or whatnot), it is your god-damned right that your earnings should be taxed as little as possible. Those are your Lego bricks: you earned them, and no matter how many you have already they are yours to do with what you will as an individual.
Next, the correct way to play in Lego Britain dictates you must complain if you see any of your Lego taxes given to those in need. Suggested mentality: ‘if you didn’t earn those Lego bricks, you should die!’. It’s a level playing field in Lego Britain – everybody’s equally capable of succeeding as nobody is physically or mentally handicapped, or is ever required to bring up a child or care for the elderly.
Imagine if you were earning a glorious amount of Lego bricks – more than you could ever be reasonably expected to use…then you were taxed more on your earnings & the government started using them to build schools! This would be disastrous because Legomen are plastic and education would be a needless waste of time. It would also marginally diminish your personal Lego stash and you might not be able to build a golden porch on your house which would undoubtedly benefit the whole of Lego Britain.
But don’t panic…once you have collected a vast personal wealth of Lego bricks there are always ways to keep them from the Legoland Revenue*, such as re-registering your company or Lego citizenship to a country willing to take fewer of your bricks (perhaps one with a bigger Lego box, fewer Legomen to sustain, or greater disregard for its Lego-inhabitants). This means you can continue to golden your porch back in Lego Britain, whilst buying gradually bulkier cars for when the flat tile Lego pieces dis-attach from the poorly funded roads to reveal the bobbly bits underneath; no need to repair the roads when you’ve got the bigger Lego tyres!
Maintaining low sovereign wealth and high sovereign debt in Lego Britain may mean fewer bricks used for things like infrastructure (power, transport, etc). But don’t fret; another more sensible ‘creator’ from elsewhere will always come along and build something, and definitely won’t then expect to profit from it.
More good news is that to keep your Lego taxes low, many of the lower priorities of Lego Britain receive very few of your bricks (or none at all). Funding is instead delegated to charities – these include cancer research (short of symptoms drawn on with a marker pen, disease is rare in Lego Britain), and animal welfare – also considered unimportant as animals tend to live incredibly happy lives as part of forest animals or riding stable sets.
Our final inspiration comes from a word we use at our Lego headquarters in Denmark – ’Hygge’**, which literally translates to ‘don’t give a shit about anyone else, they can last the winter poor and alone!’
*Legoland Revenue set includes steed, cutlasses and interchangeable sinister grins & is available separately at all good satirical Lego stores.
** Read more about Hygge here: http://www.mnn.com/family/family-activities/blogs/how-hygge-can-help-you-get-through-winter