Dear my beloved MiliWorm
I have been keeping an eye on your campaign, and I have to say I am thoroughly distressed by your lack of progress. Yes, you lead in the polls, but this is slim and may be lost at a moments notice if you do not capitalise on it by striking at the weaknesses of your enemy, the Tories. Our patient, the British Public, they do not truly know who to vote for. Our patient is ignorant and you need to take advantage of this ignorance in order to get your way!
Now, let’s start with how you come across in photo opportunities. You are awful, you make me sick; you disgusting retch! You get support from AxelGrind only to apparently completely waste it. The first rule of any politicians persona is do not let the public see the true monster that lurks beneath our thin layer of human appearance. Our patient wants to think that they are voting for a human; if they see us as we truly are we are doomed to failure. You look at the leader of the enemy, he is a true genius of appearing human, so much so when he commits monstrous acts only the truly engaged notice this. I would advise looking back at my own campaign, and you will see how to hide the demon inside beneath a mask; an apparently genuine smile is key. If you do not see the importance of this, I ask you to reflect on BrownGlub to see the impact when the patient can sense a fake smile.
At the same time, though you have to appear human, please can you stop falling in to the same trap as you have been of late. Has AxelGrind never taught you that although you must appear human do not at any time try to give the impression that you are just like the common man. This is a ridiculous idea and although it gives me great joy to reprimand you on your foolish errors of judgment it pains me to see you do something that so benefits the enemy.
Although the patient can be easily cowed in to believing you are human they can never be so fooled in to thinking you are just like them, one of the common people. They instinctively know that we are truly monsters but this only awoken in them when we go too far to not appear so. When you have tried to appear like the common man you look so disgustingly disingenuous you raise the conscious awareness of the patient. The key to any election my dear MiliWorm is to keep the patient as unaware of the truth as possible.
I urge you to take on my advice, and if you do not you will not only face my wrath but also the wrath of your supposed friends; these so-called friends will turn on you the first chance they get MiliWorm if they think that they can take your place, do not doubt it.
You will receive more letters as your campaign continues; I trust you will heed my advice if you wish to continue your career with us.
Your affectionate Uncle ScrewBlair
All satirical images provided by Twitter’s @Rowland72James
If you haven’t already you should all read the original Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis; or at least the wikipedia page: