How might the story of Jesus sound under a UKIP government? A televised speech from Nigel Farage

“We at UKIP are pleased to be able to announce that the extremist fugitive known as Jesus Christ has been arrested.

As I’m sure all you good, beautiful, working people of Britain know, Jesus was an immigrant; an immigrant to planet earth; stowing away in Mary’s womb to illegally come to live in our pleasant and green pastures, where he was not wanted.

He came and took a traders job, of carpentry, that could have gone to a non-immigrant; he came without a working Visa, using a flimsy cover story of going to work for his father, Joseph, while also claiming an immaculate conception- it’s a story which didn’t add up and we were quick to spot this during intensive interrogation.

He came and quickly started preaching his new religion to a planet that didn’t have his religion. UKIP were quick to act and started surveillance on him when we realised that this Jesus was a religious zealot, preaching religious extremism. We heard stories of delusions of grandeur; he claimed to be able to heal the sick which, although nonsense in itself, we saw as an attempt to steal more work from good, honest NHS workers, who may not all be as British as we like but that’s something you know that we at UKIP are working on. He was heard to be giving directions on how to fish in our own North Sea, telling fishermen where they should be casting their nets. And it was actions like this that led to people following him; giving up their work to take up a life of crime with said individual.

It was at this time we knew we had the evidence to bring a criminal case against this self-proclaimed son of God.

The authorities were able to apprehend him following a tip-off from a good, British, hard-working man called Judas. We apprehended Jesus and have been able to deal with him as our law courts see fit.

Some say that UKIP have been barbaric and out of date in bringing back crucifixion but you see characters like this and you can understand why we have and it helps us have a system that works for the hard-working non-immigrant people of the UK. He has been crucified and his body stored in a cave, in-line with new UKIP legislation.
We want to send a message to all out there; stay out of our country and if you don’t you too may face crucifix too, Farage is the only messiah! Thank you”


Harry Potter Isn’t Really a Magical Wizard, but Maybe Jesus is!

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows- Part 2

Arthur C. Clarke’s third law of predicting the future is:

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”

I propose that Harry Potter and the wizarding world represent such an ‘advanced’ technology. Let me break this down further.

“Expecto Patronum!” cries our hero, Harry Potter; pointing his wand towards one of his most deadly adversaries, a Dementor, at the same time filling his mind with the happiest memory he has. When Harry casts this complex spell correctly, a full-size luminescent stag appears  before him and charges head first at the Dementor to vanquish it and leave Harry out of harm’s way.

“Magic!” we exclaim with wonder (forgetting for an embarrassing moment that we are in the cinema and this is only a film). Well, even if it were real, you would be wrong; you have seen no magic whatsoever. “How so!?” you cry.

What needs to happen for a person to perform magic? Well, most definitions talk about the conjuring powers of the supernatural. Supernatural, by definition, refers to something beyond nature, and therefore (and here is the crucial part) breaks the laws of physics.

But the wizards of the Harry Potter books clearly do break the laws of physics; we see flying cars, paintings that talk rationally to you and spontaneous deaths from a flick of a stick and a cry of “Avada Kedavra”! Yes, these phenomena all break the laws of physics… as we thus far understand them!

Every single time a sufficiently well-trained ‘wizard’ uses the Expecto Patronum spell we see the predictable result of the appearance of said wizard’s Patronus. Not some times, not most of the time; EVERY single time! If we created the hypothesis Action A will lead to Consequence B, and test any such hypothesis related to the wizarding world we would be able to reject all our null hypotheses with a significance of 1.000! These little tricks represent empirically measurable phenomena therefore they cannot be magic, they cannot be breaking the laws of physics; they are, as Arthur C. Clarke would tell you if he read the Harry Potter cannon, only sufficiently advanced technology.

This technology, I will grant, would revolutionise our understanding of physics more than Isaac Newton and Albie Einstein could have ever thought possible. The wands, sold in Ollivanders down Diagon Alley, tend to encase dragon or unicorn. These materials are perhaps the fundamental to the scientific wonders consistently conducted by the students of Hogwarts. If only we were to find a dragon or a unicorn we could analyse their bodies and potentially unpick the lock to the marvellous manipulations of our laws of physics. Perhaps Harry and co interact with the world of quantum physics in ways we are yet to understand. Perhaps, a string of unicorn hair could unlock the magic that is string theory!

So, we see, when we read Harry Potter we are really reading about the best scientists the world has ever seen wielding technologies beyond our wildest dreams!

But what about this Jesus bloke? Well, he appears to be a one off, he broke the mould and broke the laws of physics with gay abandon! He walked on water like no one since; he fed the masses with next to nothing; and he was the best person to have around if you fancied a tipple but had nought but water to your name. We have since learned that custard may be a Newtonian fluid but water cannot be walked on, we have (without much hassle) learned that a few bread and fishes won’t feed the masses. And, we’ve looked very closely at water and this water-to-wine alchemic feat appears far from possible. All these actions break the laws of physics in ways no other man ever has, which unfortunately means these conjurings are outside the realms of empirical experimentation. A great shame for us, though I suppose a great boon for religion!

But! Maybe I’m wrong about Jesus; maybe he was actually the first documented person to use the aforementioned advanced technologies of the wizarding world. Just maybe, Jesus was the original Harry Potter; well, Jesus was also tested by an adversary of pure evil; he was also vilified by many of his contemporaries (though never in The Daily Prophet… for he was the daily prophet I suppose!); and he also came back from the dead just like Potter. Actually, the similarities are eerie when you really think about it! Oh, but wait, Jesus never had a wand… he must just be magic then I guess!
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