Britain’s Got Talent- Election Edition

Ant or Dec: Hello and welcome to this weeks edition of Britain’s Got Talent where, this week, all of our contestants are currently standing as the leader of a political party. All the contestants are hoping to be able to show their act in front of the Queen who will allow them to form a government. But first, they have to be voted through by Mr Cowell and then in the finals by you the British Public, in the GBT General Election 2015. So let’s go straight to the action now.

Cowell: Hello contestant; tell us your name and where you come from.

Dave: Hello. My name is Dave and I’m from Westminster

Cowell: And what will you be doing for us today?

Dave: Well, today I will be demonstrating the innumerable benefits of a Tory Long Term Economic Plan.

Cowell: OK, well take it away.

(Dave frantically scribbles on a white board for a few minutes before presenting his work to a smattering of applause)

Cowell: OK David. Well the first thing that I have got to say is we were looking to see something new and exciting, but instead you come here with the same act that you’ve been peddling for the last five years and it’s just not going to be the kind of thing that the British public are going to vote for. Plus, you forgot to carry the remainder in your division which leads to your plan only supporting the middle class and above while ignoring the needs of those who cannot work. So it’s a no from me. NEXT!

(Dave tramps off stage, with a new man coming on)

Cowell: Hello, can you introduce yourself and tell us where you’re from.

Nick: Hi my name’s Nick and I’m from Westminster.

Cowell: And what will you be doing today.

Nick: Well today I am going to be running head first at that wall that has tuition fees written on it, before doing the sharpest U-turn known to man.

Cowell: Sounds exciting, let’s see it.

(Nick runs at the wall and does a huge U-turn at the last second, but in turning he trips over and falls on the floor).

Cowell: Right, Nice well I have to say the act sounded good, but you tripped yourself up and landed flat on your face which just isn’t god enough so it’s a no from me. NEXT! What’s your name and where do you come from?

Nige: Hi, my name is Nige and I am from just outside Westminster.

Cowell: And what is your act today?

Nige: I’m going to drink ten pints in a minute well laughing brashly and smoking a cigar.

Cowell: OK, well this sounds like something many of the British public will be interested with so good luck.

(Nige proceeds with his act, swilling beer, smoking, and giving lots of great banter)

Nige: (Swaying) Hic! I’m done!

Cowell: Well I have to say that it’s a good act, but when I look at you know you don’t really seem fit to stand, and so we can’t really put you in front of the Queen. It’s a no from me. NEXT! A double act? Can you introduce yourselves?

Ed: Hi my name’s Ed and I’m from Westminster.

Nikki: And my name is Nikki and I’m from the beautiful, perfect land of Scotland! For our act today, I will be putting Ed inside my pocket.

Ed: I know what you’re going to say Simon; can we win this thing. Hell yes we can!

Cowell: Well I that’s not a question I asked, nor was I planning to, but anyway can we see your act?

(A huge struggle is heard on stage amid shouts of ‘Come on ya wee bastard! And eventually Ed is seen inside Nikki’s pocket)

Cowell: Well it’s an interesting act, but I have to say it was pretty easy because you had such a small man. Plus, I think that this would look quite embarrassing in front of the Queen, so I’m afraid it’s a no.

Ant or Dec: So there you have it ladies and gentleman, none of our acts have reached the final as Mr Cowell has judged them all to be below the standards we expect. What happens now is anyone’s guess. Thank you and good night!

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Jackanory with George Osborne and the 2015 Budget

Welcome to Jackanory- the programme where you get to hear wild fantasy stories from the land of make believe!
Our story teller this week is George Osborne.

Hello children! I’d like to tell you all about the make believe place called ‘The Britain I see in my Head’!

In the Britain I see in my Head everyone is fantastically happy. There are a little men who count beans and these little bean counting men have the power to figure out that everyone is fantastically happy just my looking at beans; it’s amazing!

Also In the Britain I see in my Head there is no inequality; there are no classes; everyone has the same amount of money, and this lack of inequality is brilliant and that helps to make everyone fantastically happy.

In the real world you have nasty things like food banks, zero hours contracts, child poverty and huge levels of homelessness with one in six homelessness being ex-service people. Not so In the Britain I see in my Head. Everyone’s just super great and swell. All the little kids are just fine and well fed which is brilliant. Everyone has a job where they work really hard and that makes them happy. And at the end of the day after work they get to keep all the money they earn because there is no tax, or barely any anyway which is brilliant!

And everyone is happy, and no one is ever sad, and the moral of the story is that the conservative party are just totally scrummy! The End!

Fifty Shades of Red, White and Blue

In an audacious attempt to capture the youth vote, UKIP have payrolled and released the raunchy film ‘Fifty Shades of Red, White and Blue’ which will be rolled out across cinemas for the coming weekend. Critics are divided by what to think of this film; some are calling it a simple attempt to grab cash by piggybacking Fifty Shades of Grey, while others are calling it a triumph of British values overcoming the sordid depictions of sex for other media outlets. We catch up with the writer and director of UKIP’s first pic for the inside story.

“We wanted to bring British values to a new platform, to help educate the youth while also showing them what UKIP stand for” says the film’s director. “And that is why this film, following a young couple in their early days of courtship, shows the act of sexual congress in truly British fashion- Which of course means sex, in a bed, under the sheets, with the lights off, and no talking; exactly how sex should be.”

“Yes some may have criticised the film for having a three minute scene which is completely dark with no sound, but we wanted to capture and show the true British experience, and we believe that this film has done that. The British way is not with all of these whips and chains like the seedy American film; the only whips in our film is during the racy visit to Royal Ascot! Nor is it like all Jewish people who have sex with a sheet in between the couple. I dread to think how people have sex in Ting Tong Land or Bongo Bongo Land; I can only assume that this is just outdoors, in the dirt for most people. That is only going to lead to people picking up infections which would put a terrible strain on the NHS; a true British institution!”

So, only time will tell whether this film will be a success for UKIP, but just prior to a General Election it is certainly a brave move!
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If you enjoyed this blog why not check out other similar posts:
– How might the story of Jesus sound under a UKIP government? A televised speech from Nigel Farage: https://sayitin500.wordpress.com/2014/12/30/how-might-the-story-of-jesus-sound-under-a-ukip-government-a-televised-speech-from-nigel-farage/

– Nigel Farage wins stand-up comedy’s Perrier Award: https://sayitin500.wordpress.com/2014/10/17/nigel-farage-wins-stand-up-comedies-perrier-award/

– BBC Film 2114 Review of ‘12 years a Foodbank User’: https://sayitin500.wordpress.com/2014/06/30/bbc-film-2114-review-of-12-years-a-fooodbank-user/

The Hot TV Shows of 2015 to Watch Out For…

With fly-on-the-wall-reality-shows being ridiculously cheap, as channels do not have to hire actors or script writers or build studios, 2015 is set to be a bumper-filled year of more programs trying to ride the wave of success had by Channels 4’s 24 hours in A&E and BBC 3s Tough Young Teachers. This year we can surely expect to see:

Inside the Common
A fly on the wall documentary about a London common; think Eastenders, except no drama as no one is paying for a script writer. You could literally walk outside your house for this, plus that would give you the added benefit of getting fresh air, if you can even remember what that is? Get off your sofa!

24 hours in DVLA
Watch with amazement as Channel 5 try to scrape together six hour-long episodes of vaguely interesting incidents after a whole years filming inside the main DVLA office in Swansea. Watch as Channel 5 combine fast-changing camera angles and intense bass music to try and inject some drama in to scenes of DVLA officers screening requests for provisional licenses. Tasty.

Scroungers Street- Bankers addition
In Channels 4s attempt to prove that they are still edgy, and as a follow up to Benefits Street, on their new show welcome to Lombard Street, home of some of the country’s worst scroungers. Also known as the Wall Street of London, Lombard Street is the heart of the banking industry. Highlights include scandal after scandal as bankers continuously break the law with no legal ramifications. You couldn’t write it, as no one writes for TV anymore.

London’s Really Burning
With 24 hours in A&E proving hugely popular, and police chase shows being a hit since the 90s we can only expect to see a show set at a fire station. With unprecedented access to somewhere we haven’ really seen much on TV before, this novel take on the hackneyed concept will sure to give thrills, spills and a few bits that, with the right kind of music will bring a tear to the eye; and in a warm “I love life” kind of way, rather than a chilling, existential ‘what is the point of it all?’ way.

Polling Stations; Battle Stations
With General Election fever gripping the nation. Watch live from the polling station ‘Eskdaleside cum Ugglebarnby’. This civil parish tucked away in the Scarborough District in North Yorkshire promises much drama come polling day. With voter turnout predicted to be as high as 10%, with the locals gripped by the goings on of petty Westminster-based politicians, expect fireworks. Who will cover when Geoff goes to the toilet? What does Doris have in her lunch box? Will Jim finish reading Newton’s Principia Mathematica before the count, or will he give up and go back to his Su Doku?

Your visit to A&E in 2020

Man- Ooooowww! Help me!
Nurse- I’m with you now, sir. Welcome to the Serco quick response care service, how can we aid you today?
Man- Ooowww! Is this not A&E
Nurse- Well yes sir, but following a listening exercise with our customers Serco rebranded the department- they felt “Accident and Emergency” sounded too downbeat. So we are now “quick response care service”. How can we aid you today.
Man- I fell off a ladder and I think I broke my leg. I had to get a taxi in because the ambulance service said it was not resource friendly to provide transport for just a broken leg!
Nurse- yes, then Serco direct transport aid service will say that nowadays sir.
Man- I didn’t realise that I had to be cost effective to get an ambulance!
Nurse- well in order for us to meet our contractual targets, Serco has to be shown to be providing a value for money service. But what can you expect, people want a health care service that is free at the point of access and then complain when we provide that! Anyway, enough of this chit chat, I have two minutes to triage you,mane we have already used one of those minutes, so chop chop, how can we aid you today?
Man- as I say, I think that I’ve broken my leg.
Nurse- think you have or know you have?
Man- well how should I know?
Nurse- oh that’s a shame, if you knew it was broken we could have put you on the fast track treatment pathway, but if you need a diagnosis that will slow things down. We estimate your wait will be four hours.
Man- Four hours?! But I’m in agony, AND there’s nobody else here.
Nurse- well no sir, but you have been triaged as a level five emergency which we aim to reposed to within four hours. If we start treating you now, and a level 1 emergency comes in hen we might miss a target there.
Man- but I don’t want to wait four hours!
Nurse- I know,mist frustrating; if you had broken a hand as well that would move you quite sharply up the list. Some people pop to the bathroom and break their hand in order to move up the list. We can provide the equipment to do that in a safe way, for a reasonable price if you like?
Man- I’m not breaking my own hand!
Nurse- well do you have anything else that will move you up he list?
Man- I’ve got depression;
Nurse- Oh that’s good.
Man- so I get moved up he list?
Nurse- Ah, no. That treatment is not supplied by Serco, but we do however get £50 for every successful referral so I’ll write it down.
man- But it doesn’t move me up the list?
Nurse- No but did you not hear me, we get fifty quid!
Man- Why should I care about that?
Nurse- Well that fifty and other peoples fifties add up and that money gets invested back in to the service
Man- Where?
Nurse- Well… Doctors bonuses, but I’m sure you want your doctor to be happy, right? By the way while we’re talking about referrals, do you think you might have cancer?
Man- Is this really the time for this?
Nurse- Oh I’m sorry sir do you have a pressing engagement to get to? A pressing appointment for sitting and waiting in agony to get to?
Man- No
Nurse- Precisely sir, so do you think you might have cancer?
Man- I don’t see why I would?
Nurse- Hmm, well has anyone in your family ever had a heart condition?
Man- Well my dad died of a heart attack…
Nurse- Perfect! Checking for congenital heart failure could get us £120!
Man- Oh, I can’t be bothered with this. I’m just going to go home and take my chances.
Nurse- That will lead to a fifty pound fine, sir, for engaging services without using them.
Man- Fine, put the bill in the post.
Nurse- We will, sir, and we would kindly ask for you to fill in and send back our Customer satisfaction survey, which we will send out with the bill. Have a good day now, sir.

Letter II- The ScrewBlair Letters

My dear nephew MiliWorm

I have been reading the update reports you have sent me, MiliWorm, on your campaign and I am more vexed than ever by your drivelling scribblings. You talk so proudly of your coup having had a donation from the union Unite, but before you begin celebrating like a private schoolboy during a weekend exeat I need to have a serious word with you about these unions.

Your cabinet minion TristeHunt has been talking without thinking again, like the arrogant swine that he is. He has criticised the Green Party in such an absent-minded way that the patient could not fail to notice. TristeHunt called the Green Party education policy out of date and full of ludicrous policies. Now, usually I am all for berating the policies of these loathsome left-leaning liberals but in this case, seeing as he is the minion for education how could he fail to notice that the Green Party education policy totally mirrors that of the National Union of Teachers own manifesto. In his attempt to distance yourselves from the political putrefaction that is the Green Party he has also served to distance us from one of the largest and strongest unions! The utter cretin!

Do not think that I am not showering down my scorn on you also, MiliWorm. It is your job to stop these kind of actions from your minions in the first place, and you have failed, once again. This is no less than I expect from you but this election is yours to lose and I am beginning to think that the best strategy you could employ would be for you all to keep your mouths firmly shut, as only excrement spews forth when open, it seems!

Now, to discuss your so-called scalp in receiving a 1.5million pound donation from Unite. You cheer at the union support, while in the same week on of your minions criticises another union. You fools! This only makes it appear as if the left hand of the party does not know what the party’s right hand is doing. Such hypocrisy and a lack of integrity is bound to arouse the patient from its distracted slumber, let alone to arouse jeers from all corners of Westmonster!

Plus, the enemy* has quickly jumped on to say you are at the behest of your union paymasters. The hypocrisy of this brings bile to the back of my throat. How they can insinuate our policies are bought when they lunch with lobbyists every day.

Treasury keen to engage in hypocrisy and backstabbing wherever possible by @rowland72james

Treasury keen to engage in hypocrisy and backstabbing wherever possible by @rowland72james

Having said this, the enemy may have a point. The unions cannot be seen to be able to buy labour policy. This is a difficult tightrope and I pray that you heed my advice. The key here is simply to lie, prevaricate and procrastinate. Make promises to the unions that you have no real intention to fulfil and ensure that they remain unaware of this until after the election when it is too late for them to do anything. This takes wit and guile to pull off, of which I have little confidence in your ability to fulfil but seeing as you are our only hope MiliWorm I have no other choice than to rely on you.

Charm all of the unions; promise them the sun so that they are so dazzled they cannot see that you have only given them the moon. I know being charming is difficult for you, but I urge you to try nonetheless. I await your next report my dear MiliWorm.

Your affectionate,
Uncle ScrewBlair

Read letter ! here:
https://sayitin500.wordpress.com/2015/01/22/the-screwblair-letters-letter-i/

Appearances can be deceiving- remember that Miliworm! by @Rowland72James

Appearances can be deceiving- remember that Miliworm!
by @Rowland72James

* Patient refers to the general British public
The Enemy refers to the Conservative party
This is a pastiche of ‘The Screwtape Letters’ by CS Lewis. For more info visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Screwtape_Letters

The ScrewBlair Letters- Letter I

Dear my beloved MiliWorm

I have been keeping an eye on your campaign, and I have to say I am thoroughly distressed by your lack of progress. Yes, you lead in the polls, but this is slim and may be lost at a moments notice if you do not capitalise on it by striking at the weaknesses of your enemy, the Tories. Our patient, the British Public, they do not truly know who to vote for. Our patient is ignorant and you need to take advantage of this ignorance in order to get your way!

Model yourself on me, MilliWorm and you will succeed, I assure you!

Model yourself on me, MiliWorm and you will succeed, I assure you!

Now, let’s start with how you come across in photo opportunities. You are awful, you make me sick; you disgusting retch! You get support from AxelGrind only to apparently completely waste it. The first rule of any politicians persona is do not let the public see the true monster that lurks beneath our thin layer of human appearance. Our patient wants to think that they are voting for a human; if they see us as we truly are we are doomed to failure. You look at the leader of the enemy, he is a true genius of appearing human, so much so when he commits monstrous acts only the truly engaged notice this. I would advise looking back at my own campaign, and you will see how to hide the demon inside beneath a mask; an apparently genuine smile is key. If you do not see the importance of this, I ask you to reflect on BrownGlub to see the impact when the patient can sense a fake smile.

You disgust me MiliWorm when you make errors of judgment such as this photoshoot

You disgust me MiliWorm when you make errors of judgment such as this photoshoot

At the same time, though you have to appear human, please can you stop falling in to the same trap as you have been of late. Has AxelGrind never taught you that although you must appear human do not at any time try to give the impression that you are just like the common man. This is a ridiculous idea and although it gives me great joy to reprimand you on your foolish errors of judgment it pains me to see you do something that so benefits the enemy.

Although the patient can be easily cowed in to believing you are human they can never be so fooled in to thinking you are just like them, one of the common people. They instinctively know that we are truly monsters but this only awoken in them when we go too far to not appear so. When you have tried to appear like the common man you look so disgustingly disingenuous you raise the conscious awareness of the patient. The key to any election my dear MiliWorm is to keep the patient as unaware of the truth as possible.
I urge you to take on my advice, and if you do not you will not only face my wrath but also the wrath of your supposed friends; these so-called friends will turn on you the first chance they get MiliWorm if they think that they can take your place, do not doubt it.

You will receive more letters as your campaign continues; I trust you will heed my advice if you wish to continue your career with us.

Your affectionate Uncle ScrewBlair

Appearances can be deceiving- remember that Miliworm!

Appearances can be deceiving- remember that Miliworm!

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All satirical images provided by Twitter’s @Rowland72James
If you haven’t already you should all read the original Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis; or at least the wikipedia page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Screwtape_Letters