New Toy for All the Family- ‘Lego: British Taxation Edition’

By Matt Bernard

Congratulations on your new purchase of Lego: British Taxation Edition. This set provides fantastic potential to construct a crowd funded existence far greater than the sum of its parts. A place where all Lego Britains are accommodated and can thrive knowing that any achievements made during play will benefit all in Lego Britain – remember those Legomen are anything but selfish!

To get started, first you’re going to need some Lego bricks – it doesn’t matter how you get them, but in order to maintain your stash we suggest you avoid declaring them to the Legoland Revenue* wherever possible. That way you can swap them for those differently coloured Legoman legs you’ve been eyeing up, or perhaps shinier hair.

If you have a job in Lego Britain (building houses or whatnot), it is your god-damned right that your earnings should be taxed as little as possible. Those are your Lego bricks: you earned them, and no matter how many you have already they are yours to do with what you will as an individual.

Use your Lego well, and you could be living here!

Use your Lego well, and you could be living here!

Next, the correct way to play in Lego Britain dictates you must complain if you see any of your Lego taxes given to those in need. Suggested mentality: ‘if you didn’t earn those Lego bricks, you should die!’. It’s a level playing field in Lego Britain – everybody’s equally capable of succeeding as nobody is physically or mentally handicapped, or is ever required to bring up a child or care for the elderly.

Disaster storyline!!
Imagine if you were earning a glorious amount of Lego bricks – more than you could ever be reasonably expected to use…then you were taxed more on your earnings & the government started using them to build schools! This would be disastrous because Legomen are plastic and education would be a needless waste of time. It would also marginally diminish your personal Lego stash and you might not be able to build a golden porch on your house which would undoubtedly benefit the whole of Lego Britain.
But don’t panic…once you have collected a vast personal wealth of Lego bricks there are always ways to keep them from the Legoland Revenue*, such as re-registering your company or Lego citizenship to a country willing to take fewer of your bricks (perhaps one with a bigger Lego box, fewer Legomen to sustain, or greater disregard for its Lego-inhabitants). This means you can continue to golden your porch back in Lego Britain, whilst buying gradually bulkier cars for when the flat tile Lego pieces dis-attach from the poorly funded roads to reveal the bobbly bits underneath; no need to repair the roads when you’ve got the bigger Lego tyres!

Who will your Lego go to in your will? If you're really smart you will have already passed it on before death to avoid Lego-inheritance tax!

Who will your Lego go to in your will? If you’re really smart you will have already passed it on before death to avoid Lego-inheritance tax!

Maintaining low sovereign wealth and high sovereign debt in Lego Britain may mean fewer bricks used for things like infrastructure (power, transport, etc). But don’t fret; another more sensible ‘creator’ from elsewhere will always come along and build something, and definitely won’t then expect to profit from it.

More good news is that to keep your Lego taxes low, many of the lower priorities of Lego Britain receive very few of your bricks (or none at all). Funding is instead delegated to charities – these include cancer research (short of symptoms drawn on with a marker pen, disease is rare in Lego Britain), and animal welfare – also considered unimportant as animals tend to live incredibly happy lives as part of forest animals or riding stable sets.
Our final inspiration comes from a word we use at our Lego headquarters in Denmark – ’Hygge’**, which literally translates to ‘don’t give a shit about anyone else, they can last the winter poor and alone!’
*Legoland Revenue set includes steed, cutlasses and interchangeable sinister grins & is available separately at all good satirical Lego stores.

This image has nothing to do with the blog really, but just liked it!

This image has nothing to do with the blog really, but just liked it!

** Read more about Hygge here:


Lord Freud takes huge pay cut

The political world is still rocking from the shocking news that Lord Freud suffered spinal cord damage and has been paralysed from the waist down.

Despite the tragedy that has befallen the man who said people with a mental disability should earn only £2 an hour, he has responded with a courage and strength that belies his feeble visage. He has quickly accessed the free NHS services available to him and obtained a wheelchair that allows him to mobilise once more. He is also receiving physiotherapy and community occupational therapy to support him in his recovery and transition in to life with a disability, as well as world class medical aid.

We spoke to Lord Freud in his first interview since the tragic events;
“I’m so pleased that we have free healthcare services that are readily available for people as and when they need them- now that I’m on the other side of the fence so to speak It suddenly strikes me that a privatised healthcare service would almost be impossible for those most at need to access; such as for people who are struggling with a long term condition that is severely impacting on their employment.”

Turning to his own future employment, Lord Freud made a shocking revelation;
“Well I don’t wish to say that I have been hoisted by my own petard here. Despite all evidence to the opposite, I am a man of integrity and as such I will be giving myself a huge pay cut now that I am living with a disability. I wasn’t much use being employed before but now I consider myself to be almost pointless and I shall give myself a wage that reflects my abilities.”

We asked him how he feels his disability will impact on his ability to carry out his role.
“Err… Well when I think about it, not much really- I can still do a desk job, my wheelchair enables me to get about and I have no cognitive impairment- I have never thought about it like this before. If I’m honest the only thing impeding me is ludicrous policies- like having to call the rail service every time I want to use a train, and the fact that not all train stations have lifts for people with a disability despite this being a policy we said we were going to make good on, until we changed our mind”.

An amazing interview I’m sure you will agree- quite a change of heart a person can have when they truly understand the issues of the people their policies affect. Let’s hope that this new change of heart enables Lord Freud to make better policies than he did previously. Who knows, perhaps living with a disability will make him better at his job! Let’s not get our hopes up yet though!