The ScrewBlair Letters- Letter I

Dear my beloved MiliWorm

I have been keeping an eye on your campaign, and I have to say I am thoroughly distressed by your lack of progress. Yes, you lead in the polls, but this is slim and may be lost at a moments notice if you do not capitalise on it by striking at the weaknesses of your enemy, the Tories. Our patient, the British Public, they do not truly know who to vote for. Our patient is ignorant and you need to take advantage of this ignorance in order to get your way!

Model yourself on me, MilliWorm and you will succeed, I assure you!

Model yourself on me, MiliWorm and you will succeed, I assure you!

Now, let’s start with how you come across in photo opportunities. You are awful, you make me sick; you disgusting retch! You get support from AxelGrind only to apparently completely waste it. The first rule of any politicians persona is do not let the public see the true monster that lurks beneath our thin layer of human appearance. Our patient wants to think that they are voting for a human; if they see us as we truly are we are doomed to failure. You look at the leader of the enemy, he is a true genius of appearing human, so much so when he commits monstrous acts only the truly engaged notice this. I would advise looking back at my own campaign, and you will see how to hide the demon inside beneath a mask; an apparently genuine smile is key. If you do not see the importance of this, I ask you to reflect on BrownGlub to see the impact when the patient can sense a fake smile.

You disgust me MiliWorm when you make errors of judgment such as this photoshoot

You disgust me MiliWorm when you make errors of judgment such as this photoshoot

At the same time, though you have to appear human, please can you stop falling in to the same trap as you have been of late. Has AxelGrind never taught you that although you must appear human do not at any time try to give the impression that you are just like the common man. This is a ridiculous idea and although it gives me great joy to reprimand you on your foolish errors of judgment it pains me to see you do something that so benefits the enemy.

Although the patient can be easily cowed in to believing you are human they can never be so fooled in to thinking you are just like them, one of the common people. They instinctively know that we are truly monsters but this only awoken in them when we go too far to not appear so. When you have tried to appear like the common man you look so disgustingly disingenuous you raise the conscious awareness of the patient. The key to any election my dear MiliWorm is to keep the patient as unaware of the truth as possible.
I urge you to take on my advice, and if you do not you will not only face my wrath but also the wrath of your supposed friends; these so-called friends will turn on you the first chance they get MiliWorm if they think that they can take your place, do not doubt it.

You will receive more letters as your campaign continues; I trust you will heed my advice if you wish to continue your career with us.

Your affectionate Uncle ScrewBlair

Appearances can be deceiving- remember that Miliworm!

Appearances can be deceiving- remember that Miliworm!

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All satirical images provided by Twitter’s @Rowland72James
If you haven’t already you should all read the original Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis; or at least the wikipedia page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Screwtape_Letters

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What is satire? Thoughts following Charlie Hebdo

In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo attacks it seems prudent to re-evaluate; what is satire?

Though targeting a person, this targets the hypocrisy of the leader of a political party supporting a corporation his party have done so much to attack.

Though targeting a person, this targets the hypocrisy of the leader of a political party supporting a corporation his party have done so much to attack.

Satire is a joke that points at an accepted idea or action within society and labelling it as ridiculous. The best satire will make you think about something from a perspective that you had not seen before, and change your own perspective in an unalterable way. It never attacks a person, but an idea or action; these may be attached to a person but the focus is always on their idea or action.

UKIP don't represent a viable government as they only have a limited number of policies.

UKIP don’t represent a viable government as they only have a limited number of policies.

One of the best satirical works ever was the book ‘Animal Farm’ by George Orwell which pointed at Communism and showed it to be ridiculous as the central ethos (equality for all) will always inevitably be undermined by greed, especially those drawn to leadership and power. He did this by depicting the leaders of a farm as pigs and the followers or proletariat at sheep. So simple, yet so utterly brilliant!

Ridicules the idea that foodbanks are banned by those whose privileged backgrounds mean that they don't understand the lives of those who need to use them.

Ridicules the idea that foodbanks are banned by those whose privileged backgrounds mean that they don’t understand the lives of those who need to use them.

Policies looking to decrease  the deficit should target the people with the money  not without any money!

Policies looking to decrease the deficit should target the people with the money not without any money!

For me, satire plays a vital role within society. It rightly ridicules the ridiculous and changes views. It changes views in a way that persuasive writing cannot do; the message can be given in an image and in a way that anyone can understand. Persuasive writing may make us think but satire makes us laugh, and in laughing at something that we did not realise was funny it shatters prior conceptions. Laughing not only changes our convictions but also stops the idea from ever being taken seriously again.

Cameron states that Britain is a 'Christian Country' despite having a capitalist agenda contrary to the  politically Left, non-materialist Bible star Jesus

Cameron states that Britain is a ‘Christian Country’ despite having a capitalist agenda contrary to the politically Left, non-materialist Bible star Jesus

Good satire is a necessary medicine for society, it makes us check our idea, and it makes the world change its ways. It makes those in power realise that we are not just sheep blindly going along with what we are told, but that we engage with their ideas and actions and will hold them to account.

Also, satire is open to all ideas no matter how serious- jut because 1billion people say something is a good idea it does not make it a good idea. It is up to satirists to find the lunacy and shine as bright a torch on it as possible- this can be religion, democracy, free speech even satire itself if you so choose. The more seriously an idea is taken, the greater the opportunity for satire!

Considering the wake of Charlie Hebdo perhaps their readership were already aware of the satire on Islam and therefore continued use of similar material just started becoming an assault, and perhaps they needed to draw from different sources. Though people are not discussing it this is difficult in France, a country where free speech is not completely held to and religion is seen as an easy and accepted target. I won’t go in to the politics of free speech in France now though.

But good satire will always offend someone because people identify so strongly with ideas. It is important though to remember that people have the right to say what they want so long as they are not inciting violence a and others have the right to be offended.

But you don’t have the right to never be offended, because that idea is very offensive do it gets us nowhere!

P.S. You may wish to follow @Rowland72James on Twitter who provides excellent Satire and donated some images for this blog

John Lewis in Cash Crisis- “We’ve got too much!”

John Lewis today have published their sales for the five weeks to 27 December 2014, stating that their total sales were £777m, up 5.8 per cent compared with last year.

“This is an absolute disaster”, said made-up John Lewis CEO Robin Britten, “we’ve just got more money than we know what to do with and where to put it”. “People have been so impressed with seeing a penguin in our adverts that they have been literally throwing money at us; some people without even buying anything!”

Treasury keen to boost John Lewis-style ownership by @rowland72james

Treasury keen to boost John Lewis-style ownership by @rowland72james

Videos have been emerging on YouTube and social media outlets showing that at the end of shifts staff have been struggling to find where to put all the money they’ve taken that day. Staff can be seen cramming money in to stylish yet contemporary wardrobes; one worker can be seen throwing bank notes at a gorgeous mahogany chest of drawers, seemingly not even needing to care whether any go in as he will inevitably be able to fill it with whatever does hit.

The problem for John Lewis has been compounded by the distressingly huge sales of Black Friday week £179million. On Black Friday John Lewis sold a tablet every second which to give perspective is greater than the average summers day sales of Ecstasy, MDMA and ketamine combined in all the dance clubs in Ibiza!

News has emerged that the Board of directors for John Lewis has called an emergency meeting to figure out what to do with the excesses of money that they have made. A number of ideas were put forward:
– Massively increase charity donations
– Put money in to local communities
– Pay cleaning staff the living wage, and make them entitled to the same end of year bonuses the directors and other John Lewis staff are entitles to.

These ideas were shot down and all responsible directors were fired with immediate effect and huge bonuses for early contract termination, which has thus far been identified as the best way to rid the company of the excess of cash!

Cameron launches election campaign with a plea to vote SelfServative & stay on the road to a WONGA ECONOMY by @Rowland72James

Cameron launches election campaign with a plea to vote SelfServative & stay on the road to a WONGA ECONOMY by @Rowland72James

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne said “It’s great to see small, local businesses thriving, just as we pledged to help them do. No-one wants to see large faceless corporations capitalising all of the commercial markets so I praise John for being able to show the business acumen to break free from the crowd.”

“We are so keen to continue to help these small, struggling companies” Osborne continued “that we are going to offer tax breaks for companies that say that they are ’employee-owned’ despite for all intents and purposes clearly not being employee-owned. Yes, we pledge £50 million pounds worth of tax breaks for these businesses which is great news for people like Mr John Lewis, though probably bad news for you as we need take that money out of the budget from somewhere.” Some have criticised Mr Osborne for exacerbating John Lewis’s problem of having too much money. Other people, mainly men with brief cases and suits rubbing their hands in a kind of cat-that-got-the-creak kind of way, have praised George Osborne for allowing them to buy a second jacuzzi.

George Osborne patron saint of billionaires showers the already super rich with gifts from the taxpayer by @Rowland72James

George Osborne patron saint of billionaires showers the already super rich with gifts from the taxpayer by @Rowland72James

More footage is being released each day of money being stashed in high-quality but reasonably priced suit cases, and under genuine velvet chaise-longs, and as the insert for contemporary and well-made cushion covers, and in to beautifully, gorgeous, perfec….

The end of this article is missing as the author has run to John Lewis to purchase a chique, desirable soft leather sofa which is currently 1% off in the January sales.

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All pics bar featured image provided by Twitter’s @Rowland72James – Do follow!

Some of the above article is actually true, though it is difficult to tell which bits, here’s some real news to help you:

For the five weeks to 27 December 2014, total sales were £777m, up 5.8 per cent compared with last year- http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/business/business-news/retail-giant-john-lewis-celebrate-8374044

John Lewis breaks its all-time sales record in Black Friday week- http://www.theguardian.com/business/2014/dec/02/john-lewis-breaks-all-time-sales-records-black-friday-week

Treasury keen to boost John Lewis-style ownership-
http://www.theguardian.com/business/2013/jul/03/treasury-john-lewis-worker-shares

Sign a petition asking for John Lewis to pay its cleaning staff the living wage:
https://www.change.org/p/tell-john-lewis-to-pay-cleaners-the-living-wage?recruiter=7663054&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=share_twitter_responsive

How might the story of Jesus sound under a UKIP government? A televised speech from Nigel Farage

“We at UKIP are pleased to be able to announce that the extremist fugitive known as Jesus Christ has been arrested.

As I’m sure all you good, beautiful, working people of Britain know, Jesus was an immigrant; an immigrant to planet earth; stowing away in Mary’s womb to illegally come to live in our pleasant and green pastures, where he was not wanted.

He came and took a traders job, of carpentry, that could have gone to a non-immigrant; he came without a working Visa, using a flimsy cover story of going to work for his father, Joseph, while also claiming an immaculate conception- it’s a story which didn’t add up and we were quick to spot this during intensive interrogation.

He came and quickly started preaching his new religion to a planet that didn’t have his religion. UKIP were quick to act and started surveillance on him when we realised that this Jesus was a religious zealot, preaching religious extremism. We heard stories of delusions of grandeur; he claimed to be able to heal the sick which, although nonsense in itself, we saw as an attempt to steal more work from good, honest NHS workers, who may not all be as British as we like but that’s something you know that we at UKIP are working on. He was heard to be giving directions on how to fish in our own North Sea, telling fishermen where they should be casting their nets. And it was actions like this that led to people following him; giving up their work to take up a life of crime with said individual.

It was at this time we knew we had the evidence to bring a criminal case against this self-proclaimed son of God.

The authorities were able to apprehend him following a tip-off from a good, British, hard-working man called Judas. We apprehended Jesus and have been able to deal with him as our law courts see fit.

Some say that UKIP have been barbaric and out of date in bringing back crucifixion but you see characters like this and you can understand why we have and it helps us have a system that works for the hard-working non-immigrant people of the UK. He has been crucified and his body stored in a cave, in-line with new UKIP legislation.
We want to send a message to all out there; stay out of our country and if you don’t you too may face crucifix too, Farage is the only messiah! Thank you”

A Letter from the Editor of ISIS Weekly- “Thanks National media for all the press!”

Hi everybody,

Thanks for taking the time to read ‘ISIS weekly’; the best way of staying up to date with everything ISIS! The readership is generally growing, though the suicide bombing does tend to negatively affect our numbers.

As the Editor-in-Chief of ISIS Weekly I just want to say, I can’t believe how well this is all going; we’re making Boko Haram look like country ruffians! I know that we’re trying to strike fear in to people, but to be honest politicians and the national media are doing the job for us better than we ever could! They are so much better resourced and people listen to what they say, and when you read the papers you’d think that we have planted our members in the newsroom, or they were on our payroll. I would never have thought that the desire to sell newspapers by publishing scare stories trumped the desire to support and manage the wellbeing of a population, but I have been proved wrong time and time again!

It’s made even better for us when random, lone individuals start causing problems and then we get the blame for it from politicians and in the media. You look at the Sydney Siege, and even though ISIS clearly had nothing to do with it, the media narrative distorts the truth so easily that it looks like we planned it all; it’s like they don’t care that they are playing right in to our agenda! But then again politicians damning us fits quite nicely with a political agenda of creating prejudice against certain groups in society, while also distracting people from real local issues, so everyone wins really!

It was a shame that real, feeling, human beings started the hashtag #IllRideWithYou; that stuff is really bad press for us, but fortunately this does not garner half as much attention as the standard media narrative so not too much to worry about.

My only concern is that we continue to have a branding issue; some call us ISIS, some call us ISIL, and obviously IS. This is doing nothing for moving our news stories to the top lines in search engines as the popularity of the hits is split. So, guys whenever you sign off a YouTube video or send threatening letters to the press, or blog stuff be sure to sign off ‘ISIS’; I can’t express the importance of this enough. The worst thing that could happen to us is for the media start ignoring our activities, and diluting our brand decreases our media traction, so please we need to be all singing from the same terrorist-music-sheet. We’ve got some of our top bods working on a logo we can feed to Western media, and we’ll let you know when this is finalised for local use.

Finally, a quick note to local publicity officers, if you hear of any crimes that look a bit like us please (you know, crimes of passion by ‘maybe Muslims’ and what not) don’t hesitate to put out a press release of ISIS taking credit for the crimes; the more we open up communication channels in the media the easier it will be to key in to the distorted media narrative and ensure more air time.

So all in all chaps, keep up the good work, and by good work I of course mean evil work. MWAHAHAHA!

Take Care