Britain’s Got Talent- Election Edition

Ant or Dec: Hello and welcome to this weeks edition of Britain’s Got Talent where, this week, all of our contestants are currently standing as the leader of a political party. All the contestants are hoping to be able to show their act in front of the Queen who will allow them to form a government. But first, they have to be voted through by Mr Cowell and then in the finals by you the British Public, in the GBT General Election 2015. So let’s go straight to the action now.

Cowell: Hello contestant; tell us your name and where you come from.

Dave: Hello. My name is Dave and I’m from Westminster

Cowell: And what will you be doing for us today?

Dave: Well, today I will be demonstrating the innumerable benefits of a Tory Long Term Economic Plan.

Cowell: OK, well take it away.

(Dave frantically scribbles on a white board for a few minutes before presenting his work to a smattering of applause)

Cowell: OK David. Well the first thing that I have got to say is we were looking to see something new and exciting, but instead you come here with the same act that you’ve been peddling for the last five years and it’s just not going to be the kind of thing that the British public are going to vote for. Plus, you forgot to carry the remainder in your division which leads to your plan only supporting the middle class and above while ignoring the needs of those who cannot work. So it’s a no from me. NEXT!

(Dave tramps off stage, with a new man coming on)

Cowell: Hello, can you introduce yourself and tell us where you’re from.

Nick: Hi my name’s Nick and I’m from Westminster.

Cowell: And what will you be doing today.

Nick: Well today I am going to be running head first at that wall that has tuition fees written on it, before doing the sharpest U-turn known to man.

Cowell: Sounds exciting, let’s see it.

(Nick runs at the wall and does a huge U-turn at the last second, but in turning he trips over and falls on the floor).

Cowell: Right, Nice well I have to say the act sounded good, but you tripped yourself up and landed flat on your face which just isn’t god enough so it’s a no from me. NEXT! What’s your name and where do you come from?

Nige: Hi, my name is Nige and I am from just outside Westminster.

Cowell: And what is your act today?

Nige: I’m going to drink ten pints in a minute well laughing brashly and smoking a cigar.

Cowell: OK, well this sounds like something many of the British public will be interested with so good luck.

(Nige proceeds with his act, swilling beer, smoking, and giving lots of great banter)

Nige: (Swaying) Hic! I’m done!

Cowell: Well I have to say that it’s a good act, but when I look at you know you don’t really seem fit to stand, and so we can’t really put you in front of the Queen. It’s a no from me. NEXT! A double act? Can you introduce yourselves?

Ed: Hi my name’s Ed and I’m from Westminster.

Nikki: And my name is Nikki and I’m from the beautiful, perfect land of Scotland! For our act today, I will be putting Ed inside my pocket.

Ed: I know what you’re going to say Simon; can we win this thing. Hell yes we can!

Cowell: Well I that’s not a question I asked, nor was I planning to, but anyway can we see your act?

(A huge struggle is heard on stage amid shouts of ‘Come on ya wee bastard! And eventually Ed is seen inside Nikki’s pocket)

Cowell: Well it’s an interesting act, but I have to say it was pretty easy because you had such a small man. Plus, I think that this would look quite embarrassing in front of the Queen, so I’m afraid it’s a no.

Ant or Dec: So there you have it ladies and gentleman, none of our acts have reached the final as Mr Cowell has judged them all to be below the standards we expect. What happens now is anyone’s guess. Thank you and good night!

Jackanory with George Osborne and the 2015 Budget

Welcome to Jackanory- the programme where you get to hear wild fantasy stories from the land of make believe!
Our story teller this week is George Osborne.

Hello children! I’d like to tell you all about the make believe place called ‘The Britain I see in my Head’!

In the Britain I see in my Head everyone is fantastically happy. There are a little men who count beans and these little bean counting men have the power to figure out that everyone is fantastically happy just my looking at beans; it’s amazing!

Also In the Britain I see in my Head there is no inequality; there are no classes; everyone has the same amount of money, and this lack of inequality is brilliant and that helps to make everyone fantastically happy.

In the real world you have nasty things like food banks, zero hours contracts, child poverty and huge levels of homelessness with one in six homelessness being ex-service people. Not so In the Britain I see in my Head. Everyone’s just super great and swell. All the little kids are just fine and well fed which is brilliant. Everyone has a job where they work really hard and that makes them happy. And at the end of the day after work they get to keep all the money they earn because there is no tax, or barely any anyway which is brilliant!

And everyone is happy, and no one is ever sad, and the moral of the story is that the conservative party are just totally scrummy! The End!

Letter II- The ScrewBlair Letters

My dear nephew MiliWorm

I have been reading the update reports you have sent me, MiliWorm, on your campaign and I am more vexed than ever by your drivelling scribblings. You talk so proudly of your coup having had a donation from the union Unite, but before you begin celebrating like a private schoolboy during a weekend exeat I need to have a serious word with you about these unions.

Your cabinet minion TristeHunt has been talking without thinking again, like the arrogant swine that he is. He has criticised the Green Party in such an absent-minded way that the patient could not fail to notice. TristeHunt called the Green Party education policy out of date and full of ludicrous policies. Now, usually I am all for berating the policies of these loathsome left-leaning liberals but in this case, seeing as he is the minion for education how could he fail to notice that the Green Party education policy totally mirrors that of the National Union of Teachers own manifesto. In his attempt to distance yourselves from the political putrefaction that is the Green Party he has also served to distance us from one of the largest and strongest unions! The utter cretin!

Do not think that I am not showering down my scorn on you also, MiliWorm. It is your job to stop these kind of actions from your minions in the first place, and you have failed, once again. This is no less than I expect from you but this election is yours to lose and I am beginning to think that the best strategy you could employ would be for you all to keep your mouths firmly shut, as only excrement spews forth when open, it seems!

Now, to discuss your so-called scalp in receiving a 1.5million pound donation from Unite. You cheer at the union support, while in the same week on of your minions criticises another union. You fools! This only makes it appear as if the left hand of the party does not know what the party’s right hand is doing. Such hypocrisy and a lack of integrity is bound to arouse the patient from its distracted slumber, let alone to arouse jeers from all corners of Westmonster!

Plus, the enemy* has quickly jumped on to say you are at the behest of your union paymasters. The hypocrisy of this brings bile to the back of my throat. How they can insinuate our policies are bought when they lunch with lobbyists every day.

Treasury keen to engage in hypocrisy and backstabbing wherever possible by @rowland72james

Treasury keen to engage in hypocrisy and backstabbing wherever possible by @rowland72james

Having said this, the enemy may have a point. The unions cannot be seen to be able to buy labour policy. This is a difficult tightrope and I pray that you heed my advice. The key here is simply to lie, prevaricate and procrastinate. Make promises to the unions that you have no real intention to fulfil and ensure that they remain unaware of this until after the election when it is too late for them to do anything. This takes wit and guile to pull off, of which I have little confidence in your ability to fulfil but seeing as you are our only hope MiliWorm I have no other choice than to rely on you.

Charm all of the unions; promise them the sun so that they are so dazzled they cannot see that you have only given them the moon. I know being charming is difficult for you, but I urge you to try nonetheless. I await your next report my dear MiliWorm.

Your affectionate,
Uncle ScrewBlair

Read letter ! here:
https://sayitin500.wordpress.com/2015/01/22/the-screwblair-letters-letter-i/

Appearances can be deceiving- remember that Miliworm! by @Rowland72James

Appearances can be deceiving- remember that Miliworm!
by @Rowland72James

* Patient refers to the general British public
The Enemy refers to the Conservative party
This is a pastiche of ‘The Screwtape Letters’ by CS Lewis. For more info visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Screwtape_Letters