Jackanory with George Osborne and the 2015 Budget

Welcome to Jackanory- the programme where you get to hear wild fantasy stories from the land of make believe!
Our story teller this week is George Osborne.

Hello children! I’d like to tell you all about the make believe place called ‘The Britain I see in my Head’!

In the Britain I see in my Head everyone is fantastically happy. There are a little men who count beans and these little bean counting men have the power to figure out that everyone is fantastically happy just my looking at beans; it’s amazing!

Also In the Britain I see in my Head there is no inequality; there are no classes; everyone has the same amount of money, and this lack of inequality is brilliant and that helps to make everyone fantastically happy.

In the real world you have nasty things like food banks, zero hours contracts, child poverty and huge levels of homelessness with one in six homelessness being ex-service people. Not so In the Britain I see in my Head. Everyone’s just super great and swell. All the little kids are just fine and well fed which is brilliant. Everyone has a job where they work really hard and that makes them happy. And at the end of the day after work they get to keep all the money they earn because there is no tax, or barely any anyway which is brilliant!

And everyone is happy, and no one is ever sad, and the moral of the story is that the conservative party are just totally scrummy! The End!


Lord Freud takes huge pay cut

The political world is still rocking from the shocking news that Lord Freud suffered spinal cord damage and has been paralysed from the waist down.

Despite the tragedy that has befallen the man who said people with a mental disability should earn only £2 an hour, he has responded with a courage and strength that belies his feeble visage. He has quickly accessed the free NHS services available to him and obtained a wheelchair that allows him to mobilise once more. He is also receiving physiotherapy and community occupational therapy to support him in his recovery and transition in to life with a disability, as well as world class medical aid.

We spoke to Lord Freud in his first interview since the tragic events;
“I’m so pleased that we have free healthcare services that are readily available for people as and when they need them- now that I’m on the other side of the fence so to speak It suddenly strikes me that a privatised healthcare service would almost be impossible for those most at need to access; such as for people who are struggling with a long term condition that is severely impacting on their employment.”

Turning to his own future employment, Lord Freud made a shocking revelation;
“Well I don’t wish to say that I have been hoisted by my own petard here. Despite all evidence to the opposite, I am a man of integrity and as such I will be giving myself a huge pay cut now that I am living with a disability. I wasn’t much use being employed before but now I consider myself to be almost pointless and I shall give myself a wage that reflects my abilities.”

We asked him how he feels his disability will impact on his ability to carry out his role.
“Err… Well when I think about it, not much really- I can still do a desk job, my wheelchair enables me to get about and I have no cognitive impairment- I have never thought about it like this before. If I’m honest the only thing impeding me is ludicrous policies- like having to call the rail service every time I want to use a train, and the fact that not all train stations have lifts for people with a disability despite this being a policy we said we were going to make good on, until we changed our mind”.

An amazing interview I’m sure you will agree- quite a change of heart a person can have when they truly understand the issues of the people their policies affect. Let’s hope that this new change of heart enables Lord Freud to make better policies than he did previously. Who knows, perhaps living with a disability will make him better at his job! Let’s not get our hopes up yet though!