Jackanory with George Osborne and the 2015 Budget

Welcome to Jackanory- the programme where you get to hear wild fantasy stories from the land of make believe!
Our story teller this week is George Osborne.

Hello children! I’d like to tell you all about the make believe place called ‘The Britain I see in my Head’!

In the Britain I see in my Head everyone is fantastically happy. There are a little men who count beans and these little bean counting men have the power to figure out that everyone is fantastically happy just my looking at beans; it’s amazing!

Also In the Britain I see in my Head there is no inequality; there are no classes; everyone has the same amount of money, and this lack of inequality is brilliant and that helps to make everyone fantastically happy.

In the real world you have nasty things like food banks, zero hours contracts, child poverty and huge levels of homelessness with one in six homelessness being ex-service people. Not so In the Britain I see in my Head. Everyone’s just super great and swell. All the little kids are just fine and well fed which is brilliant. Everyone has a job where they work really hard and that makes them happy. And at the end of the day after work they get to keep all the money they earn because there is no tax, or barely any anyway which is brilliant!

And everyone is happy, and no one is ever sad, and the moral of the story is that the conservative party are just totally scrummy! The End!

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David Cameron tries to explain democracy to 8 year olds… and fails!

– Pre-script: Change the name David Cameron for Barack Obama it generally reads the same.

Mrs Smith: Good morning children, and I would like you to welcome our Prime Minister David Cameron who is here this morning to tell us all about democracy.

David: Thank you Mrs Smith. Good morning children! So the Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘Democracy’ as “a system of government in which all the people of a state or polity are involved in making decisions about its affairs, typically by voting to elect representatives to a parliament or similar assembly”. Now I know that might be quite complex for you youngsters but I’ll go in to it a little more, but what I want to say first of all is that the country you live in, England, or more widely the United Kingdom, is a democracy. Now do we have any questions so far? Yes you, boy.

Boy: so does everyone have to vote so everyone is having a choice?

David: No; not voting is only showing that we can exercise our democratic right to vote and no to vote if we so choose! And so…

Boy: how many people did vote?

David: well, err, 28% that’s 28 people out of every 100 children

Boy: that’s not very many!

Girl: Sir, my mummy says that the low voter turnout implies that the options on offer do not represent the choices with which people would make if they were to make decisions directly. Is the definition of democracy wrong then because it doesn’t sound like here?

David: Well, no, err b-but…

Other boy: Why are there only two main parties in this country?

David: Well, that’s because running election campaigns are expensive if you want to be taken to be a serious contender and we are reliant on donations of which only two parties are seen as worthy for these…

Other girl: But yay daddy says that’s the definition of a plutocracy where power is derived from wealth and any system which would look to diminish the rich people’s wealth is doomed to fail.

David: W-What, a plutocracy? You…

Boy: Why do so many leaders come from only the best schools, like Eton?

David: It is often people following in their parents footsteps. It is difficult entering politics as a complete outsider…

Girl: But teacher says this is the definition of an oligarchy; a country controlled by a select group, in this case the privately educated- that’s far from democracy.

David: Err… You can enter government from outside the establishment, it’s just that…

Other girl: If people outside government didn’t like you and wanted you to quit would you do it?

Cameron: Of course not, it is my duty to serve…

Boy: This sounds like a dictatorship then!

David Cameron leading a #ttip revolution to once and for all kill democracy  by @Rowland72James

David Cameron leading a #ttip revolution to once and for all kill democracy
by @Rowland72James

Cameron: No, no! We have the house commons, and the House of Lords!

Other boy: Well we have already established the House of Commons is an oligarchy. The House of Lords is either hereditary (a form of oligarchy, which is currently chauvinistic*) or by appointment primarily from those with government interests, so a concentrated oligarchy appointed by a plutocracy, governed by a dictator!

Cameron: Oh just shut up will you!

Boy: Ah! Stopping our free speech, well that’s very democratic! Oi, come back, I have yet to show you how un-democratic corporate lobbying is!

*Only 2 of the 98 hereditary lords in the house of lords are female.

David Cameron sets out his philosophy showing himself a disciple of Fredrich von Hayek in RETURN TO SERFDOM  By @Rowland72James

David Cameron sets out his philosophy showing himself a disciple of Fredrich von Hayek in RETURN TO SERFDOM
By @Rowland72James

New Toy for All the Family- ‘Lego: British Taxation Edition’

By Matt Bernard

Congratulations on your new purchase of Lego: British Taxation Edition. This set provides fantastic potential to construct a crowd funded existence far greater than the sum of its parts. A place where all Lego Britains are accommodated and can thrive knowing that any achievements made during play will benefit all in Lego Britain – remember those Legomen are anything but selfish!

To get started, first you’re going to need some Lego bricks – it doesn’t matter how you get them, but in order to maintain your stash we suggest you avoid declaring them to the Legoland Revenue* wherever possible. That way you can swap them for those differently coloured Legoman legs you’ve been eyeing up, or perhaps shinier hair.

If you have a job in Lego Britain (building houses or whatnot), it is your god-damned right that your earnings should be taxed as little as possible. Those are your Lego bricks: you earned them, and no matter how many you have already they are yours to do with what you will as an individual.

Use your Lego well, and you could be living here!

Use your Lego well, and you could be living here!

Next, the correct way to play in Lego Britain dictates you must complain if you see any of your Lego taxes given to those in need. Suggested mentality: ‘if you didn’t earn those Lego bricks, you should die!’. It’s a level playing field in Lego Britain – everybody’s equally capable of succeeding as nobody is physically or mentally handicapped, or is ever required to bring up a child or care for the elderly.

Disaster storyline!!
Imagine if you were earning a glorious amount of Lego bricks – more than you could ever be reasonably expected to use…then you were taxed more on your earnings & the government started using them to build schools! This would be disastrous because Legomen are plastic and education would be a needless waste of time. It would also marginally diminish your personal Lego stash and you might not be able to build a golden porch on your house which would undoubtedly benefit the whole of Lego Britain.
But don’t panic…once you have collected a vast personal wealth of Lego bricks there are always ways to keep them from the Legoland Revenue*, such as re-registering your company or Lego citizenship to a country willing to take fewer of your bricks (perhaps one with a bigger Lego box, fewer Legomen to sustain, or greater disregard for its Lego-inhabitants). This means you can continue to golden your porch back in Lego Britain, whilst buying gradually bulkier cars for when the flat tile Lego pieces dis-attach from the poorly funded roads to reveal the bobbly bits underneath; no need to repair the roads when you’ve got the bigger Lego tyres!

Who will your Lego go to in your will? If you're really smart you will have already passed it on before death to avoid Lego-inheritance tax!

Who will your Lego go to in your will? If you’re really smart you will have already passed it on before death to avoid Lego-inheritance tax!

Maintaining low sovereign wealth and high sovereign debt in Lego Britain may mean fewer bricks used for things like infrastructure (power, transport, etc). But don’t fret; another more sensible ‘creator’ from elsewhere will always come along and build something, and definitely won’t then expect to profit from it.

More good news is that to keep your Lego taxes low, many of the lower priorities of Lego Britain receive very few of your bricks (or none at all). Funding is instead delegated to charities – these include cancer research (short of symptoms drawn on with a marker pen, disease is rare in Lego Britain), and animal welfare – also considered unimportant as animals tend to live incredibly happy lives as part of forest animals or riding stable sets.
Our final inspiration comes from a word we use at our Lego headquarters in Denmark – ’Hygge’**, which literally translates to ‘don’t give a shit about anyone else, they can last the winter poor and alone!’
*Legoland Revenue set includes steed, cutlasses and interchangeable sinister grins & is available separately at all good satirical Lego stores.

This image has nothing to do with the blog really, but just liked it!

This image has nothing to do with the blog really, but just liked it!

** Read more about Hygge here: http://www.mnn.com/family/family-activities/blogs/how-hygge-can-help-you-get-through-winter