The Sub-Text of the Sun’s 10 reasons John Major was the best Prime Minister

This week The Sun has written a blog giving the 10 reasons why John Major was the best PM. Here we provide the sub-text of that list:

1. He was a Tory
2. He was a Conservative
3. He was right wing
4. He was a Tory
5. He never did anything that significantly damaged the profitability of the Sun newspaper
6. He looked pretty good in a blue tie
7. He was a Tory
8. He wasn’t Labour
9. He was ruddy good at cricket
10. Did we mention he was a Tory?

A picture of the most beautiful man ever

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I do usually put links up to the original articles mentioned/ alluded to during my blogs, but I just couldn’t bring myself to put a link up to this one and give the chance of even slightly increasing their readership!

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Your visit to A&E in 2020

Man- Ooooowww! Help me!
Nurse- I’m with you now, sir. Welcome to the Serco quick response care service, how can we aid you today?
Man- Ooowww! Is this not A&E
Nurse- Well yes sir, but following a listening exercise with our customers Serco rebranded the department- they felt “Accident and Emergency” sounded too downbeat. So we are now “quick response care service”. How can we aid you today.
Man- I fell off a ladder and I think I broke my leg. I had to get a taxi in because the ambulance service said it was not resource friendly to provide transport for just a broken leg!
Nurse- yes, then Serco direct transport aid service will say that nowadays sir.
Man- I didn’t realise that I had to be cost effective to get an ambulance!
Nurse- well in order for us to meet our contractual targets, Serco has to be shown to be providing a value for money service. But what can you expect, people want a health care service that is free at the point of access and then complain when we provide that! Anyway, enough of this chit chat, I have two minutes to triage you,mane we have already used one of those minutes, so chop chop, how can we aid you today?
Man- as I say, I think that I’ve broken my leg.
Nurse- think you have or know you have?
Man- well how should I know?
Nurse- oh that’s a shame, if you knew it was broken we could have put you on the fast track treatment pathway, but if you need a diagnosis that will slow things down. We estimate your wait will be four hours.
Man- Four hours?! But I’m in agony, AND there’s nobody else here.
Nurse- well no sir, but you have been triaged as a level five emergency which we aim to reposed to within four hours. If we start treating you now, and a level 1 emergency comes in hen we might miss a target there.
Man- but I don’t want to wait four hours!
Nurse- I know,mist frustrating; if you had broken a hand as well that would move you quite sharply up the list. Some people pop to the bathroom and break their hand in order to move up the list. We can provide the equipment to do that in a safe way, for a reasonable price if you like?
Man- I’m not breaking my own hand!
Nurse- well do you have anything else that will move you up he list?
Man- I’ve got depression;
Nurse- Oh that’s good.
Man- so I get moved up he list?
Nurse- Ah, no. That treatment is not supplied by Serco, but we do however get £50 for every successful referral so I’ll write it down.
man- But it doesn’t move me up the list?
Nurse- No but did you not hear me, we get fifty quid!
Man- Why should I care about that?
Nurse- Well that fifty and other peoples fifties add up and that money gets invested back in to the service
Man- Where?
Nurse- Well… Doctors bonuses, but I’m sure you want your doctor to be happy, right? By the way while we’re talking about referrals, do you think you might have cancer?
Man- Is this really the time for this?
Nurse- Oh I’m sorry sir do you have a pressing engagement to get to? A pressing appointment for sitting and waiting in agony to get to?
Man- No
Nurse- Precisely sir, so do you think you might have cancer?
Man- I don’t see why I would?
Nurse- Hmm, well has anyone in your family ever had a heart condition?
Man- Well my dad died of a heart attack…
Nurse- Perfect! Checking for congenital heart failure could get us £120!
Man- Oh, I can’t be bothered with this. I’m just going to go home and take my chances.
Nurse- That will lead to a fifty pound fine, sir, for engaging services without using them.
Man- Fine, put the bill in the post.
Nurse- We will, sir, and we would kindly ask for you to fill in and send back our Customer satisfaction survey, which we will send out with the bill. Have a good day now, sir.

Letter II- The ScrewBlair Letters

My dear nephew MiliWorm

I have been reading the update reports you have sent me, MiliWorm, on your campaign and I am more vexed than ever by your drivelling scribblings. You talk so proudly of your coup having had a donation from the union Unite, but before you begin celebrating like a private schoolboy during a weekend exeat I need to have a serious word with you about these unions.

Your cabinet minion TristeHunt has been talking without thinking again, like the arrogant swine that he is. He has criticised the Green Party in such an absent-minded way that the patient could not fail to notice. TristeHunt called the Green Party education policy out of date and full of ludicrous policies. Now, usually I am all for berating the policies of these loathsome left-leaning liberals but in this case, seeing as he is the minion for education how could he fail to notice that the Green Party education policy totally mirrors that of the National Union of Teachers own manifesto. In his attempt to distance yourselves from the political putrefaction that is the Green Party he has also served to distance us from one of the largest and strongest unions! The utter cretin!

Do not think that I am not showering down my scorn on you also, MiliWorm. It is your job to stop these kind of actions from your minions in the first place, and you have failed, once again. This is no less than I expect from you but this election is yours to lose and I am beginning to think that the best strategy you could employ would be for you all to keep your mouths firmly shut, as only excrement spews forth when open, it seems!

Now, to discuss your so-called scalp in receiving a 1.5million pound donation from Unite. You cheer at the union support, while in the same week on of your minions criticises another union. You fools! This only makes it appear as if the left hand of the party does not know what the party’s right hand is doing. Such hypocrisy and a lack of integrity is bound to arouse the patient from its distracted slumber, let alone to arouse jeers from all corners of Westmonster!

Plus, the enemy* has quickly jumped on to say you are at the behest of your union paymasters. The hypocrisy of this brings bile to the back of my throat. How they can insinuate our policies are bought when they lunch with lobbyists every day.

Treasury keen to engage in hypocrisy and backstabbing wherever possible by @rowland72james

Treasury keen to engage in hypocrisy and backstabbing wherever possible by @rowland72james

Having said this, the enemy may have a point. The unions cannot be seen to be able to buy labour policy. This is a difficult tightrope and I pray that you heed my advice. The key here is simply to lie, prevaricate and procrastinate. Make promises to the unions that you have no real intention to fulfil and ensure that they remain unaware of this until after the election when it is too late for them to do anything. This takes wit and guile to pull off, of which I have little confidence in your ability to fulfil but seeing as you are our only hope MiliWorm I have no other choice than to rely on you.

Charm all of the unions; promise them the sun so that they are so dazzled they cannot see that you have only given them the moon. I know being charming is difficult for you, but I urge you to try nonetheless. I await your next report my dear MiliWorm.

Your affectionate,
Uncle ScrewBlair

Read letter ! here:
https://sayitin500.wordpress.com/2015/01/22/the-screwblair-letters-letter-i/

Appearances can be deceiving- remember that Miliworm! by @Rowland72James

Appearances can be deceiving- remember that Miliworm!
by @Rowland72James

* Patient refers to the general British public
The Enemy refers to the Conservative party
This is a pastiche of ‘The Screwtape Letters’ by CS Lewis. For more info visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Screwtape_Letters