Britain’s Got Talent- Election Edition

Ant or Dec: Hello and welcome to this weeks edition of Britain’s Got Talent where, this week, all of our contestants are currently standing as the leader of a political party. All the contestants are hoping to be able to show their act in front of the Queen who will allow them to form a government. But first, they have to be voted through by Mr Cowell and then in the finals by you the British Public, in the GBT General Election 2015. So let’s go straight to the action now.

Cowell: Hello contestant; tell us your name and where you come from.

Dave: Hello. My name is Dave and I’m from Westminster

Cowell: And what will you be doing for us today?

Dave: Well, today I will be demonstrating the innumerable benefits of a Tory Long Term Economic Plan.

Cowell: OK, well take it away.

(Dave frantically scribbles on a white board for a few minutes before presenting his work to a smattering of applause)

Cowell: OK David. Well the first thing that I have got to say is we were looking to see something new and exciting, but instead you come here with the same act that you’ve been peddling for the last five years and it’s just not going to be the kind of thing that the British public are going to vote for. Plus, you forgot to carry the remainder in your division which leads to your plan only supporting the middle class and above while ignoring the needs of those who cannot work. So it’s a no from me. NEXT!

(Dave tramps off stage, with a new man coming on)

Cowell: Hello, can you introduce yourself and tell us where you’re from.

Nick: Hi my name’s Nick and I’m from Westminster.

Cowell: And what will you be doing today.

Nick: Well today I am going to be running head first at that wall that has tuition fees written on it, before doing the sharpest U-turn known to man.

Cowell: Sounds exciting, let’s see it.

(Nick runs at the wall and does a huge U-turn at the last second, but in turning he trips over and falls on the floor).

Cowell: Right, Nice well I have to say the act sounded good, but you tripped yourself up and landed flat on your face which just isn’t god enough so it’s a no from me. NEXT! What’s your name and where do you come from?

Nige: Hi, my name is Nige and I am from just outside Westminster.

Cowell: And what is your act today?

Nige: I’m going to drink ten pints in a minute well laughing brashly and smoking a cigar.

Cowell: OK, well this sounds like something many of the British public will be interested with so good luck.

(Nige proceeds with his act, swilling beer, smoking, and giving lots of great banter)

Nige: (Swaying) Hic! I’m done!

Cowell: Well I have to say that it’s a good act, but when I look at you know you don’t really seem fit to stand, and so we can’t really put you in front of the Queen. It’s a no from me. NEXT! A double act? Can you introduce yourselves?

Ed: Hi my name’s Ed and I’m from Westminster.

Nikki: And my name is Nikki and I’m from the beautiful, perfect land of Scotland! For our act today, I will be putting Ed inside my pocket.

Ed: I know what you’re going to say Simon; can we win this thing. Hell yes we can!

Cowell: Well I that’s not a question I asked, nor was I planning to, but anyway can we see your act?

(A huge struggle is heard on stage amid shouts of ‘Come on ya wee bastard! And eventually Ed is seen inside Nikki’s pocket)

Cowell: Well it’s an interesting act, but I have to say it was pretty easy because you had such a small man. Plus, I think that this would look quite embarrassing in front of the Queen, so I’m afraid it’s a no.

Ant or Dec: So there you have it ladies and gentleman, none of our acts have reached the final as Mr Cowell has judged them all to be below the standards we expect. What happens now is anyone’s guess. Thank you and good night!

How might the story of Jesus sound under a UKIP government? A televised speech from Nigel Farage

“We at UKIP are pleased to be able to announce that the extremist fugitive known as Jesus Christ has been arrested.

As I’m sure all you good, beautiful, working people of Britain know, Jesus was an immigrant; an immigrant to planet earth; stowing away in Mary’s womb to illegally come to live in our pleasant and green pastures, where he was not wanted.

He came and took a traders job, of carpentry, that could have gone to a non-immigrant; he came without a working Visa, using a flimsy cover story of going to work for his father, Joseph, while also claiming an immaculate conception- it’s a story which didn’t add up and we were quick to spot this during intensive interrogation.

He came and quickly started preaching his new religion to a planet that didn’t have his religion. UKIP were quick to act and started surveillance on him when we realised that this Jesus was a religious zealot, preaching religious extremism. We heard stories of delusions of grandeur; he claimed to be able to heal the sick which, although nonsense in itself, we saw as an attempt to steal more work from good, honest NHS workers, who may not all be as British as we like but that’s something you know that we at UKIP are working on. He was heard to be giving directions on how to fish in our own North Sea, telling fishermen where they should be casting their nets. And it was actions like this that led to people following him; giving up their work to take up a life of crime with said individual.

It was at this time we knew we had the evidence to bring a criminal case against this self-proclaimed son of God.

The authorities were able to apprehend him following a tip-off from a good, British, hard-working man called Judas. We apprehended Jesus and have been able to deal with him as our law courts see fit.

Some say that UKIP have been barbaric and out of date in bringing back crucifixion but you see characters like this and you can understand why we have and it helps us have a system that works for the hard-working non-immigrant people of the UK. He has been crucified and his body stored in a cave, in-line with new UKIP legislation.
We want to send a message to all out there; stay out of our country and if you don’t you too may face crucifix too, Farage is the only messiah! Thank you”