TV Review: ‘Utah Fires’

A new TV show is coming out of Utah with a format which many are hailing as brilliantly innovative.
It combines America’s love of guns, love of excessive violence, love of gambling and love of murderous justice all in to one half hour slot with the new Governor-acclaimed ‘Utah Fires’.

With the re-instatement of firing squads* less than a day old, TV companies have been quick to identify how to make their own capital out of this capital punishment. Each week families up and down the nation will be regaled with a chilling story of how someone has ended up on death row. It is hoped that this will really stir up some hate for the soon to be deceased.

All this hating should hopefully get you in the mood for the main event. At the end of the programme you will get to watch the firing squad live; all in glorious Hi-Def and even 3D! Plus, you have the chance to bet on which gunman actually fresh the killer shot. That’s right; as most gunmen have blanks with only one shooter firing an actual bullet, you at home get to place bets on which gunman that will be. So while they shoot you win; and you will know almost instantly as the whole thing will be re-shown in super slo-mo so you can see for yourselves which barrel the fateful bullet came from!

Some lefty, liberal critics are saying that this programme glorifies state-sanctioned violence which breeds feelings antipathy towards a hypocritical government who uses murder to vindicate murder, which represents Old Testament ‘eye for an eye’ vengeance which even Jesus was against; himself famously saying “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” Most people are rightly ignoring Jesus and his band of hippy critics, as this is all just a bit of wholesome Saturday night fun for all the family.
Everyone knows that the statistics about countries, including the US, with corporate and capital punishment also have some of the highest rates of violent crimes and murder. But most smart people know that these statistics were made up by the anti-NRA lobbyists who are trying to destroy our civil liberties! Disgusting!
So I hope like us, you will all be tuning in to ‘Utah Fires’ this Saturday at 6pm Eastern; it promises to get off with a real BANG!
Disclaimer: This TV show is currently fake.
Disclaimer 2: If a similarly formatted TV show comes out in the future, let me know as I surely have intellectual rights here!
* For those who don’t know; Utah has actually re-instated firing squads- really- that’s not a joke!