Wishful News

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Hello, and welcome to Green BBC and the Wishful News- trying to spread positivity, kindness and compassion to all viewers.
Wellbeing News
As always we start with a look at the wellbeing of local, consenting populations, since the stock market and GDP were abolished. And wellbeing rates in the East continue to soar, as a sense of community begins to flourish and people begin to develop knowledge in the importance of kind acts towards others in improving their own sense of wellbeing. A particular nod to Mr Trevithick of Cornwall who has sent in a picture of him washing his neighbours car- a lovely image made even better in the knowledge that this car has no been driven for three years since mass improvements in local transport made individual car travel almost unnecessary in many rural areas.

Technology News
More great news on Green technologies. In the years since Green Tech have become viable commercial ventures due to ecotax legislation making companies have to focus much more on the carbon footprint of their companies, we are proud to announce that the first environmentally friendly car has been produced that actually heals the o-zone layer. Every journey that you take in this car means that the chemical element O3 (or o-zone) is pumped back in to the atmosphere, thus re-building the o-zone layer! Plus due to government initiatives you can buy this car for £500. The goal is for all drivers to own these O-zone cars, as they are being dubbed by the media, by 2015. And we hope that this means that the polar ice caps will begin to re-freeze by 2020 and we should have Bangladesh back by 2040 which as we all know was one of the countries with the lowest sea levels and so was sub-merged in the ‘great melt’ of 2017. Plans are in place to have all public transport converted to o-zone engines within the year also. The government notes that this comes at a high price to the public who are paying via their taxes but they can bask in the knowledge that their children will be inheriting a planet able to sustain life. And for those people who do not plan to have children they can bask in the glow that they are doing a kindness to the all living creatures on the planet which has been empirically shown to improve the wellbeing of the majority which is brilliant!

Entertainment News
And we bid a fond farewell to this season of the BBC’s much-loved ‘Strictly come doctoring’; it was a close vote at the finish, but the way that Dr Elsey removed the tumour without damaging any of the surrounding nerves wowed the judges and captured the nation’s heart. And when I say nation, I of course mean tuned-in global population as the concept nation-state was abolished last month. A big congratulations to Dr Elsey on winning her top consultancy job for the newly re-un-privatised NHS.

Immigration News
As always, immigration is no longer seen as a problem as we appreciate that our birth right means nothing when it comes to where we are allowed to live in the world, and so there continues to be no immigration news. More on that story in the 10 o’clock news.

Sport News
The most expensive football club in the world has been put together in the Premier League this weekend. Many critics are saying that this is only a wealth individual coming in and buying the league, and they may be right, but it must be remembered that since 50% corporation tax came half of the £500 Million worth of transfers will be paid in tax to the state and the government promise that a few million will be going directly to providing a new boiler to all who are in need and at risk of being too cold over the winter months. Critics of this initiative say that this money could be better spent but the figures suggest that this outset could save the NHS £1 billion per year so Natalie Bennett has told critics to shut up until they have something to say that isn’t rhetoric fear-mongering and empty criticism. Even with the money spent on boilers millions will still be left to pump back in to the infrastructure such as improving local sports provisions making it more likely England might actually win a world cup- though bookies say probably not!
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A typical Primary School in the year 2024

Teacher: Good morning customers and welcome to another lesson of basic corporate maths, sponsored by The Generic Cola Company. Last time we spent our lesson looking at the statistical relationship between how much money your parents invested in Generic Cola’s stock market shares and your end of year grade. This week we will be focussing on the earnings and outgoings of your households. So, Timmy your parents earn 75,000 UK Dollars is that right?
Timmy: Yes sir.
Teacher: And what percentile of earnings does that put them in?
Timmy: The 60th percentile sir.
Teacher: Excellent Timmy, and if you listen in lessons you will surely improve on that.
Timmy: I hope so sir.
Teacher: Of course you do, Timmy. Now, if Timmy’s parents are earning UK$75,000 what percentage of their earnings are going towards basic tier tuition fees?
Tammy: 63% Sir?
Teacher: Very well done, Tammy. Tommy! Stop talking in class or I will fine you, your parents already owe £30 this week! OK, so before moving on, Tilly you can leave the class to go and receive your personal one to one teaching and massage- do say thank you to your parents once again, the money that they have donated to this school is highly commendable and something that we should all aspire to. Your parents have shown through the money that they clearly love you very much. On with the lesson customers! There are a number of jobs people can do whereby they will not be able to send their children to school. If a bin man is earning UK$7000 a year how would you express as a percentage the increase in wages needed for this person to be able to feed themselves?
Tully: 450%?
Teacher: Close but too low, it’s actually 475%. Now, an average ‘Generic cola Premier League’ striker, what percentage of their wage do they have to pay in order to buy the right to have a child?
Tinny: 0.000000000000000000000000001%
Teacher: Excellent, and the same question for a paramedic
Tally: 100000000000000000000%
Teacher: Perfect, and what would a paramedic earn if the ambulance service was privatised?
Tommy: Errr, More money, which is good.
Teacher: Partial credit, Tommy! Yes, a privatised service would benefit the income of paramedics, meaning that they could then afford to have children and send them to school, putting more money in to schools so we can provide a better education, which means…
ALL: Richer, better kids!
Teacher: Exactly customers! And this will stop you…
ALL: Being poor and evil!
Teacher: Wonderful customers, well done. Well that’s the end of today’s lesson and I hope you are looking forward to next week lessons; 1+1= more money which is good!

If we’re privatising the NHS, why not the Fire Service too?

Cameron &Osborne raise party funds by auctioning off anything they can. Shame its not theirs to sell by @Rowland72James

Cameron &Osborne raise party funds by auctioning off anything they can. Shame its not theirs to sell by @Rowland72James

*Phone Connects*

Operator: Hello Serco Fire Service; your safety is our top priority, how can I be of service to you on this very fine day.

Victim: Hello? My house is burning down!

Operator: Well you’ve certainly come to the right place, will you be wanting us to send out a Fire Truck?

Victim: Yes! Please hurry, the fire is moving so fast!

Operator: That’s absolutely fine, let me just fire up the computer system as it were

osborne on horse

We just need a few details. Firstly, there is a call out charge which must be paid up front, so I’ll just need you to get your credit card out and give me the longer number on the front?

Victim: It’s in the bleedin’ house! Please, there’s no time for this!

Operator: And there’s no way of quickly retrieving your card? That was very absent minded of you sir, we have been privatised for some time now so we expect people to be prepared when calling. But not to worry we endeavour to offer a flexible payment service, do you have PayPal?

Victim: PayPal?! Yes, please can we do this quickly!

Getting to fires was easy before they privatised the roads!

Getting to fires was easy before they privatised the roads!

Operator: We always say here at Serco Fire Service that patience is the greatest virtue sir, for the patient man would never do anything absent-minded to cause a fire, which is why we find ourselves in this little pickle. Though obviously without the docility of people like yourself I wouldn’t be getting such a fine red hot bonus this year. A little fire-based pun for sir’s delight there; free of charge of course. Anyway, I digress. Please type in to your keypad your PayPal password.

(The sound of the frantic button-bashing of a phone can be heard above the crackle of a roaring flame).

Operator: Thank you please wait …

Now that no one can afford to put out fires, there's so much more water available for Boris's water cannons!

Now that no one can afford to put out fires, there’s so much more water available for Boris’s water cannons!

Now it says that you have typed in your password incorrectly. The system will now generate a unique and personal question to verify your identity. What service did sir last purchase pornographic material from?

Victim: What?! How do you know about that?

Operator: The system simply accesses your accounts in order to obtain a unique and personal question to verify your identity, quite simple sir. You wouldn’t want anyone charging a burning building that you yourself have not burned down to your account now would you? But fear not sir, I am contractually obliged not to share your depravity and lewd fantasies about strapping men in leather with anyone outside of the service itself.

Victim: Fine yes, I bought something from Latinos in leather, please hurry!

Operator: That is quite correct my fetishism friend. I just need to validate the transaction…

I’m terribly sorry sir, the card linked to your PayPal account does not have the necessary funds for the call-out. You do have enough for a first-response vehicle though I must admit, they have no firefighting equipment. To use the apt phrase, they are about as useful as a chocolate fire guard, if you ask me, but there seems to be a demand for them so we supply the service nonetheless.

Victim: No, don’t bleedin’ bother, the fire’s going out by itself now as the house has already burnt to the ground.

Operator: Well that outcome seems beneficial to both of us. Now before I put you through to Serco Health Services. How would you rate the quality of your call today from 0-5?

We could have stopped this fire earlier, if only he could have typed in his PayPal password correctly!

We could have stopped this fire earlier, if only he could have typed in his PayPal password correctly!