So thanks everyone for baking your cakes that represent British institutions. Now George Hollywood and Dave Berry will come round to your tables.
Dave: Thanks for baking this Royal Mail cake. What I’m going to do is cut it in to fifty pieces and sell them all for less than they’re worth, that way they’ll sell fast and I, err I mean we, will make a quick profit!
Contestant: Do I see any of the profit?
Dave: Not directly of course, but the profit will be used for stuff we all benefit from like… stuff, you know; it’s all a bit complicated; it’s best not to confuse the voters, I mean viewers. OK, so after we have sold the slices then it will let the buyers sell it on for profit; everyone gets richer that way.
Contestant: What about me?
Dave: Well, yes except you. The thing is I know all the cake-buyers and they’re great guys and they love to make money so they’ll be really happy.
Contestant: But it’s my Post Office cake.
Dave: It is your cake but it’s our country, I mean show, and we make the rules so you kind of have to do what we say whether you like it or not.
Contestant: What if everyone stopped viewing the show?
Dave: Fine, we can just carry on doing what we want. The lower the viewer turnout, the more power we have.
Contestant: What if we called for new hosts?
Dave: You’ll just get the same kind of chaps; we all learned to bake at the same school you know. It’s win/win really!
Contestant: Sounds like lose/lose
Dave: Well that’s just different perspectives! Anyway, I’m off now and I’m taking your cake with me.
George: So this is your NHS cake?
Contestant: Yes, shaped like the NHS logo, the ingredients are healthier to emphasise its role in supporting the nation’s health
George: Looks great! How much would you be willing to sell it for?
Contestant: It’s not for sale, the TV license fee covered my baking costs; have some if you like!
George: This “free cake” idea you’re peddling is mad; why would you basically give it away when you can sell it for a tidy profit?
Contestant: Like I say, we’ve all paid for it already, and making money isn’t that important to me so long as everyone gets a slice!
George: But what if I want a bigger slice than Dave Berry?
Contestant: You don’t need a bigger slice! In fact you’re a bit chubby Hollywood, and Berry could do with putting on a bit of weight so you would get a smaller slice; you get the slice of cake that you need!
George: What’s your name again?
Contestant: Joe Public
George: Yeah, listen here Joey-boy! You clearly don’t know what’s good for people; money is what people need, and people have to choose to earn it and reap the rewards of their graft; this fairness talk just means greedy people are going to steal your cake!
Contestant: You’re the greedy one who wanted more; don’t demonise others! Plus, I’m the one who did the graft so all the cake should go to me.
George: Don’t be a fool, making things isn’t what makes money; selling things makes money.
Contestant: But people won’t be able to afford to buy it?
George: That will incentivise them to get better jobs and earn more!
Contestant: But if everyone sells then there will be no one to make, then they’ll be no more cake; your logic is flawed not everyone can have the high-paid sales jobs without a product!
George: You bakers and your odd perspectives, anyway shove off while I sell your cake!